Death

Once I was sent crashing back to Earth; boiled down and ejected into the thick, black atmosphere of my past life, I couldn't see anything in front of me. I still watched the world with the eyes I stole from my dream like state, and everything that used to make sense was lost in the translation of a hopeless wasteland. Since I no longer had a heart, I lost the will to fight for things I could care for. There was something important I used to have to do, but all things meaningful were dust in light of what had happened to me, and so I started to wander aimlessly into the shadows of apathy and denial. I left the school I once held so close to my intentions, three days of torturous projections into places I couldn't believe I ever wanted to go. I was once again what I always had been. Nothing.

Purged of all fulfilment, I went in search of other things to make my life pleasant. It was futile, though, as I sat and watched the sun that seemed brighter than I remembered, blinding almost, creep across the sky. It mocked me with its vibrant energy, seemingly endless and warm. I floated inside myself. I do not remember much about those days, just that I cried more than I should have. Loss is always hard to deal with, be it a person, place or thing.

Eventually the dream that stole my heart away faded, and my old life grew back over the surface of my existence, like mold. It was infectious and deadly. A new type of desire burnt my tired soul. That of the physical sort, arguably the most dangerous. My prey was much closer than it should have been, much easier to latch onto than necessary. It became a game, and when I won, it was more than I'd ever experienced before. I fed on the flesh of an unsuspecting victim, yet the tables turned as they always do, and it was I once again who lost it all. It was wrenched right out from under me, in almost a literal sense. My chest was emptied of my heart long ago, and now my bed was empty of my addiction.

What was this... I never knew. Pain is just the same whether you know what causes it or not. Either way all I knew between my awakening and my attachment was this: I was a dead person. A shell of what I'd used to be. My blood was cold and I'd submitted to being second best, using and letting myself get used, under a secrecy that was as transparent as my soul.

Forgotten

So I am a new person.

Well at least in a sense. Things have happened to me.

I had this dream once. I went on a trip across the world, and saw things I'd only ever imagined and seen on TV. It was a land of strange voices belonging to stranger people, shouting and laughing and crying, and they didn't have a care in the world except to simply be. Everything was moving so quickly and I hardly knew myself. Before I had the chance to make sense of where I was I had become a part of it; my heart melted right out of my chest and before I could gather it up and put it away it had seeped into the soil. My eyes glazed over and I was entranced. In love. I would have died to be born and live there. To taste and smell again the wonders I'd discovered in that seemingly non-existent paradise. To live and be free, happy as I once was as though nothing else in the world mattered. I suppose it's most fortunate that it was only a dream... or so it seems.

It is only after you truly fall in love that you know what it means to be lost. When the only thing you can associate with the word "whole" is taken away from you. Or worse, you're taken away from it. And in your heart of hearts you know one day you'll get back... you just don't know when or how. Until then life just pushes you along, and if you try to fight it it beats you down and drags you. Time slows down and suffocates you, it squeezes you until tears leak from your eyes like raindrops from the stomachs of swollen storm clouds. Equally frightening and equally as destructive. Yet you face your largest task: acceptance. I hate the word. It's such an easy word to push, so simple to say to someone yet so much harder to do. It does happen though, as it happened to me. Everything in between then and now is unimportant. What is important is what I wish to say about my life, little as it may be. I believe in words.

Anxious

I'm at the point where I'm pretty sure I need anxiety medication.

Everything makes me nervous.

Though I'm an overall happy person!

My chest hurts but there's nothing wrong with my heart.

I'm just insane.


FML

Comic Books, Antiques, Paper Heart

Today I got to spend time with a few of my favorite friends. I woke up next to Marina, and Vicky was asleep on the floor. After all of us hustling and bustling about while dressing and washing up, Marina and Vicky both got picked up, and Heidi and Jenny came to get me! We went to a comic book store which was insanely amazing! There were really hot girl action figures and REAL LIFE NERDS (Oh... wait. I'm a nerd... ^^;;;)! It smelled really good inside and I loved the giant red Hulk thing. We proceeded to exit the store and walk a ways down the side walk, and we came upon an antique shop. I certainly wasn't expecting anything so phenomenal! There were so many interesting ancient artifacts and random statuettes and sofas. Jenny even discovered an old Richard Scarrey book! I was elated! We were inside for a good hour just completely baffled by the sheer quantity of packed items, trying to carefully navigate our way through the maze of tables, chairs, and scary life-sized Indian dolls was probably the most time consuming part of our adventure. There was so much dust that Heidi nearly hacked up a hairball! Silly Heidi. We went to another antique store afterward, but it wasn't nearly as interesting. When we got back to la casa de Heidi y Jenny, Heidi and I watched Paper Heart (co-starring Michael Cera who is so extremely cute that I could die) and I wanted to punch the ugly girl who he kissed. Overall it was a touching movie, and made its way onto my list of semi-favorites (which is a tough title to hold). We ate yummy foods, and then Heidi took me home at around 6 something.

It would have been a perfect day if I would have been able to see Zoreo and Katie, too.

Yay! I finally took the time to post again!
Good Nite :3

My Mom

She's great. Even though she's forgetful and irresponsible sometimes, I have to admit I'm lucky. She's so open minded and trusting. I have more freedom than probably 80% of kids (and by freedom I mean I ask and still get to do stuff). Sometimes I think she's just carefree... but I realized today she's petrified of me going places alone or anything. She told me how she's extremely scared of me going off to college and how she constantly thinks about it. She even wants us to go to the gun range, get guns, tazers, and take self defense classes. She had been convincing me to join the military for a while but I learned today that was 90% because she knows I'll be safe for the most part (because I'm so smart I wouldn't be shipped out to do some insane undercover bomb operation or something). I just love her. I know I snap at her, and her drinking and smoking are the things I will never accept about her, but I truly adore my mom.

I just wish there was a was I could tell her how much without feeling like a dork...

:)

I am so incredibly angry right now

Ok, so basically, Vicky goes to school with a bunch of fucking 5 year olds. She likes to talk shit, and a lot of shit. We both do it, it's fun and entertaining. We don't care if people like it or not, we just do it because we can. ALSO we watch porn. BIG DEAL. It doesn't matter. And yes, she talks about porn a little bit at her school, rarely.

One of those little retards decided it was okay to go and write a letter to her mom saying all this, and that she needs help. WHAT THE HELL. Who are you to decide what's right and wrong in someone's life!? Now her mom thinks she's some porn freak. What an idiot I swear to God I cannot hang out with these children anymore that's it. They're fun and all but they desperately need a reality check, they've been living in their Catholic School bubble for tooo fucking lonnngg. When they get into High School they're in for a surprise because no one gives a fuck about what you do. You can fucking give blowjobs in the bathroom and your parents are most likely not going to find out unless someone tells a teacher.

I'm so enraged. You mess with my best friend, you mess with me. If I ever find out who did this I'm going to tell them exactly what it is I think of them. I don't care if I get in trouble or not this is BS.

Shit.

I am in severe need of inspiration. I have lost all desire to attend/apply for college. I simply want a job and money. Sounds easy, immature, overly ambitious and ridiculous, right?

I honestly feel it's lack of inspiration. Also, I have this fear of not going to school since that's what everyone expects of me. Maybe I should take a year off, I wouldn't want to go into college feeling like, "Oh great, more school. I'll just force myself to do the work because I have to." That's not what college is about and I know it. If I don't want to be there, then why go? My family will be quick to show their doubts and disappointments in me, but as long as I can be happy, I don't mind.

This is what I want:

job
simple car
live with someone I know (either Ali, Vicky, Imena, or Mary)
fun

Not very ambitious, but I don't care. I'm dying for freedom that only comes with income.


......Okay. It's official. I've lost it.

My mom just came into my room, so I decided to talk to her about my problems for a little while. I basically started bawling because I'm concerned about how I'm going to pay taxes. Honestly, I fret about this all the time. Taxes scare me. Then I almost cried again because I'm worried about bills. How do you pay bills??!?!?! (Thankfully, my mom explained this process to me.)

HOLY CRAP I'M LOSING IT. I totally feel like I'm going to cry again. The world is so scary I don't know what to do. I don't want a career, I don't want to go to college, I just want a job and a place to stay and a car. Seriously I'm crazy.