Days...
Weeks...
Months...
Time is endless. We all know this. I have been searching for ways to absorb each second like the oxygen in my lungs. To hang in each moment with my senses running free...
...Though there are times where I just want to let it all run past me while I lay silently in an empty space. Times where I want to hide.
I believe these days are different. I say believe because when I think of these moments--these emotions--my heart shivers in my chest and reminds me that it's beating and that I'm still part of this life. So believe I must, for my sake and for my heart's sake. I have been on these intense highs, the lower of the lows have passed and the hope I once shrugged away has once again wound itself around the center of my universe. Life is a beast, a lover, a labyrinth, a palindrome...
This evening there was a sun shower, and as the darker clouds drug themselves across the torn sky they brought with them a torrential downpour. I stood on the balcony and it seeped into my skin and into my blood and I felt it inside. These are the moments when I am at peace. In the rain.
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Between
The departure of my final affair with what became my obsession ignited an apathetic passion inside of me.
It was as though all I lived for was nothing. I was between two states of mind - that which yearned to fill my hunger with whatever I could find, and that which wished me to fade away and cease to exist. Mundane activities became of the utmost importance, it was a sense of ritualistic hostility that kept me functioning on a level I once thought was a form of recovery. I learned that this is not the case. I became dependent on them to justify my lack of self worth. They were the things I truly believed would bring me what I thought I desired most. I forced myself to drain all desire for the strange paradise that had transformed me, as painful as it was to even attempt to pretend I cared not. I instead painted an image of the girl I wanted to be, and clung to the vision I built around the boy I thought I could keep, though inside I knew he was never real.
So I waited for the return that never came to be. In that time a small seed of hate that had long since began to sprout began to snake its way into my life once more. Leaves and flowers glowered with a tangible aroma of spite, reminding once more that my futile attempt at peace was nothing more than a pitiful façade. Two powerful entities that ruled the woman who bore my flesh and fought for me without ever having asked for one thing in return were in turmoil. It was I and the shadows of her past, which left her vulnerable to the effects of untrue intentions. She long ago lost the will to fight for herself, and let the ocean of regret take her spirit. As a result she allowed herself to settle into a situation she knew all too well wasn't right, but she no longer had the sanity to let it go. Once the viscous nectar that was the truth of my reality became exposed to the light of day, a force thicker than the blood a mother could share with her daughter flooded the bridge between them. And so I fled, with the help of whom I can only describe as a light from the heart of the universe to guide me through a complete darkness, and her love and acceptance gave me the strength to walk away and not look back until I knew what I did was right. I was on my way back to the place where I grew as a child and was forced to abandon long ago, yet I became trapped in what I can only describe as the between.
It was as though all I lived for was nothing. I was between two states of mind - that which yearned to fill my hunger with whatever I could find, and that which wished me to fade away and cease to exist. Mundane activities became of the utmost importance, it was a sense of ritualistic hostility that kept me functioning on a level I once thought was a form of recovery. I learned that this is not the case. I became dependent on them to justify my lack of self worth. They were the things I truly believed would bring me what I thought I desired most. I forced myself to drain all desire for the strange paradise that had transformed me, as painful as it was to even attempt to pretend I cared not. I instead painted an image of the girl I wanted to be, and clung to the vision I built around the boy I thought I could keep, though inside I knew he was never real.
So I waited for the return that never came to be. In that time a small seed of hate that had long since began to sprout began to snake its way into my life once more. Leaves and flowers glowered with a tangible aroma of spite, reminding once more that my futile attempt at peace was nothing more than a pitiful façade. Two powerful entities that ruled the woman who bore my flesh and fought for me without ever having asked for one thing in return were in turmoil. It was I and the shadows of her past, which left her vulnerable to the effects of untrue intentions. She long ago lost the will to fight for herself, and let the ocean of regret take her spirit. As a result she allowed herself to settle into a situation she knew all too well wasn't right, but she no longer had the sanity to let it go. Once the viscous nectar that was the truth of my reality became exposed to the light of day, a force thicker than the blood a mother could share with her daughter flooded the bridge between them. And so I fled, with the help of whom I can only describe as a light from the heart of the universe to guide me through a complete darkness, and her love and acceptance gave me the strength to walk away and not look back until I knew what I did was right. I was on my way back to the place where I grew as a child and was forced to abandon long ago, yet I became trapped in what I can only describe as the between.
Saturday, November 12, 2011
Death
Once I was sent crashing back to Earth; boiled down and ejected into the thick, black atmosphere of my past life, I couldn't see anything in front of me. I still watched the world with the eyes I stole from my dream like state, and everything that used to make sense was lost in the translation of a hopeless wasteland. Since I no longer had a heart, I lost the will to fight for things I could care for. There was something important I used to have to do, but all things meaningful were dust in light of what had happened to me, and so I started to wander aimlessly into the shadows of apathy and denial. I left the school I once held so close to my intentions, three days of torturous projections into places I couldn't believe I ever wanted to go. I was once again what I always had been. Nothing.
Purged of all fulfilment, I went in search of other things to make my life pleasant. It was futile, though, as I sat and watched the sun that seemed brighter than I remembered, blinding almost, creep across the sky. It mocked me with its vibrant energy, seemingly endless and warm. I floated inside myself. I do not remember much about those days, just that I cried more than I should have. Loss is always hard to deal with, be it a person, place or thing.
Eventually the dream that stole my heart away faded, and my old life grew back over the surface of my existence, like mold. It was infectious and deadly. A new type of desire burnt my tired soul. That of the physical sort, arguably the most dangerous. My prey was much closer than it should have been, much easier to latch onto than necessary. It became a game, and when I won, it was more than I'd ever experienced before. I fed on the flesh of an unsuspecting victim, yet the tables turned as they always do, and it was I once again who lost it all. It was wrenched right out from under me, in almost a literal sense. My chest was emptied of my heart long ago, and now my bed was empty of my addiction.
What was this... I never knew. Pain is just the same whether you know what causes it or not. Either way all I knew between my awakening and my attachment was this: I was a dead person. A shell of what I'd used to be. My blood was cold and I'd submitted to being second best, using and letting myself get used, under a secrecy that was as transparent as my soul.
Purged of all fulfilment, I went in search of other things to make my life pleasant. It was futile, though, as I sat and watched the sun that seemed brighter than I remembered, blinding almost, creep across the sky. It mocked me with its vibrant energy, seemingly endless and warm. I floated inside myself. I do not remember much about those days, just that I cried more than I should have. Loss is always hard to deal with, be it a person, place or thing.
Eventually the dream that stole my heart away faded, and my old life grew back over the surface of my existence, like mold. It was infectious and deadly. A new type of desire burnt my tired soul. That of the physical sort, arguably the most dangerous. My prey was much closer than it should have been, much easier to latch onto than necessary. It became a game, and when I won, it was more than I'd ever experienced before. I fed on the flesh of an unsuspecting victim, yet the tables turned as they always do, and it was I once again who lost it all. It was wrenched right out from under me, in almost a literal sense. My chest was emptied of my heart long ago, and now my bed was empty of my addiction.
What was this... I never knew. Pain is just the same whether you know what causes it or not. Either way all I knew between my awakening and my attachment was this: I was a dead person. A shell of what I'd used to be. My blood was cold and I'd submitted to being second best, using and letting myself get used, under a secrecy that was as transparent as my soul.
Friday, November 11, 2011
Forgotten
So I am a new person.
Well at least in a sense. Things have happened to me.
I had this dream once. I went on a trip across the world, and saw things I'd only ever imagined and seen on TV. It was a land of strange voices belonging to stranger people, shouting and laughing and crying, and they didn't have a care in the world except to simply be. Everything was moving so quickly and I hardly knew myself. Before I had the chance to make sense of where I was I had become a part of it; my heart melted right out of my chest and before I could gather it up and put it away it had seeped into the soil. My eyes glazed over and I was entranced. In love. I would have died to be born and live there. To taste and smell again the wonders I'd discovered in that seemingly non-existent paradise. To live and be free, happy as I once was as though nothing else in the world mattered. I suppose it's most fortunate that it was only a dream... or so it seems.
It is only after you truly fall in love that you know what it means to be lost. When the only thing you can associate with the word "whole" is taken away from you. Or worse, you're taken away from it. And in your heart of hearts you know one day you'll get back... you just don't know when or how. Until then life just pushes you along, and if you try to fight it it beats you down and drags you. Time slows down and suffocates you, it squeezes you until tears leak from your eyes like raindrops from the stomachs of swollen storm clouds. Equally frightening and equally as destructive. Yet you face your largest task: acceptance. I hate the word. It's such an easy word to push, so simple to say to someone yet so much harder to do. It does happen though, as it happened to me. Everything in between then and now is unimportant. What is important is what I wish to say about my life, little as it may be. I believe in words.
Well at least in a sense. Things have happened to me.
I had this dream once. I went on a trip across the world, and saw things I'd only ever imagined and seen on TV. It was a land of strange voices belonging to stranger people, shouting and laughing and crying, and they didn't have a care in the world except to simply be. Everything was moving so quickly and I hardly knew myself. Before I had the chance to make sense of where I was I had become a part of it; my heart melted right out of my chest and before I could gather it up and put it away it had seeped into the soil. My eyes glazed over and I was entranced. In love. I would have died to be born and live there. To taste and smell again the wonders I'd discovered in that seemingly non-existent paradise. To live and be free, happy as I once was as though nothing else in the world mattered. I suppose it's most fortunate that it was only a dream... or so it seems.
It is only after you truly fall in love that you know what it means to be lost. When the only thing you can associate with the word "whole" is taken away from you. Or worse, you're taken away from it. And in your heart of hearts you know one day you'll get back... you just don't know when or how. Until then life just pushes you along, and if you try to fight it it beats you down and drags you. Time slows down and suffocates you, it squeezes you until tears leak from your eyes like raindrops from the stomachs of swollen storm clouds. Equally frightening and equally as destructive. Yet you face your largest task: acceptance. I hate the word. It's such an easy word to push, so simple to say to someone yet so much harder to do. It does happen though, as it happened to me. Everything in between then and now is unimportant. What is important is what I wish to say about my life, little as it may be. I believe in words.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Anxious
I'm at the point where I'm pretty sure I need anxiety medication.
Everything makes me nervous.
Though I'm an overall happy person!
My chest hurts but there's nothing wrong with my heart.
I'm just insane.
FML
Everything makes me nervous.
Though I'm an overall happy person!
My chest hurts but there's nothing wrong with my heart.
I'm just insane.
FML
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Comic Books, Antiques, Paper Heart
Today I got to spend time with a few of my favorite friends. I woke up next to Marina, and Vicky was asleep on the floor. After all of us hustling and bustling about while dressing and washing up, Marina and Vicky both got picked up, and Heidi and Jenny came to get me! We went to a comic book store which was insanely amazing! There were really hot girl action figures and REAL LIFE NERDS (Oh... wait. I'm a nerd... ^^;;;)! It smelled really good inside and I loved the giant red Hulk thing. We proceeded to exit the store and walk a ways down the side walk, and we came upon an antique shop. I certainly wasn't expecting anything so phenomenal! There were so many interesting ancient artifacts and random statuettes and sofas. Jenny even discovered an old Richard Scarrey book! I was elated! We were inside for a good hour just completely baffled by the sheer quantity of packed items, trying to carefully navigate our way through the maze of tables, chairs, and scary life-sized Indian dolls was probably the most time consuming part of our adventure. There was so much dust that Heidi nearly hacked up a hairball! Silly Heidi. We went to another antique store afterward, but it wasn't nearly as interesting. When we got back to la casa de Heidi y Jenny, Heidi and I watched Paper Heart (co-starring Michael Cera who is so extremely cute that I could die) and I wanted to punch the ugly girl who he kissed. Overall it was a touching movie, and made its way onto my list of semi-favorites (which is a tough title to hold). We ate yummy foods, and then Heidi took me home at around 6 something.
It would have been a perfect day if I would have been able to see Zoreo and Katie, too.
Yay! I finally took the time to post again!
Good Nite :3
It would have been a perfect day if I would have been able to see Zoreo and Katie, too.
Yay! I finally took the time to post again!
Good Nite :3
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
My Mom
She's great. Even though she's forgetful and irresponsible sometimes, I have to admit I'm lucky. She's so open minded and trusting. I have more freedom than probably 80% of kids (and by freedom I mean I ask and still get to do stuff). Sometimes I think she's just carefree... but I realized today she's petrified of me going places alone or anything. She told me how she's extremely scared of me going off to college and how she constantly thinks about it. She even wants us to go to the gun range, get guns, tazers, and take self defense classes. She had been convincing me to join the military for a while but I learned today that was 90% because she knows I'll be safe for the most part (because I'm so smart I wouldn't be shipped out to do some insane undercover bomb operation or something). I just love her. I know I snap at her, and her drinking and smoking are the things I will never accept about her, but I truly adore my mom.
I just wish there was a was I could tell her how much without feeling like a dork...
:)
I just wish there was a was I could tell her how much without feeling like a dork...
:)
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