Between

The departure of my final affair with what became my obsession ignited an apathetic passion inside of me.

It was as though all I lived for was nothing. I was between two states of mind - that which yearned to fill my hunger with whatever I could find, and that which wished me to fade away and cease to exist. Mundane activities became of the utmost importance, it was a sense of ritualistic hostility that kept me functioning on a level I once thought was a form of recovery. I learned that this is not the case. I became dependent on them to justify my lack of self worth. They were the things I truly believed would bring me what I thought I desired most. I forced myself to drain all desire for the strange paradise that had transformed me, as painful as it was to even attempt to pretend I cared not. I instead painted an image of the girl I wanted to be, and clung to the vision I built around the boy I thought I could keep, though inside I knew he was never real.

So I waited for the return that never came to be. In that time a small seed of hate that had long since began to sprout began to snake its way into my life once more. Leaves and flowers glowered with a tangible aroma of spite, reminding once more that my futile attempt at peace was nothing more than a pitiful façade. Two powerful entities that ruled the woman who bore my flesh and fought for me without ever having asked for one thing in return were in turmoil. It was I and the shadows of her past, which left her vulnerable to the effects of untrue intentions. She long ago lost the will to fight for herself, and let the ocean of regret take her spirit. As a result she allowed herself to settle into a situation she knew all too well wasn't right, but she no longer had the sanity to let it go. Once the viscous nectar that was the truth of my reality became exposed to the light of day, a force thicker than the blood a mother could share with her daughter flooded the bridge between them. And so I fled, with the help of whom I can only describe as a light from the heart of the universe to guide me through a complete darkness, and her love and acceptance gave me the strength to walk away and not look back until I knew what I did was right. I was on my way back to the place where I grew as a child and was forced to abandon long ago, yet I became trapped in what I can only describe as the between.