This is it

Tomorrow is the first day of what will be the best school year I will ever have had in k-12. Not only is it my last, but I am more confident, intelligent, and social than I've been at any other time in my life. I'm ecstatic. I don't even care that I have to wake up at 5:15am because it's completely worth it. School is amazing.

this ruined my revelation

I was content that I'd finally been able to post something meaningful. I felt fantastic almost. However the feeling was short lived. I'd been looking forward to this weekend as time I finally get to spend with my mom, without my sorry excuse for a step"father" tagging along, chattering along the way.
Forget all of this philosophical junk I've been trying to do. I like nice words but I can't express myself accurately. I'm enraged, I hate my this man. I will be referring to him as this/that man for the remainder of this blog and those to come. Now he's decided he wants to come along. My mom wants to include him in EVERYTHING. I don't care that it's my Abuela's birthday, he doesn't need to be there, I don't think she even gives a fuck about him. I was hoping we could leave early so I could attend a play, one of my friends went to acting camp this summer and I don't think any of her friends are going, so I wanted to show my support, bring her flowers or something. Now we have to wait for him to get out of work, so I will inevitably miss the play. I no longer have the desire to go to Tampa. I will not stay the night there and deal with their drunken, loud, partying. It will most likely end in tears as my cousin Kaitlen isn't there for moral support. This is bullshit, I can't believe it. She knows how much this kind of stuff means to me and if she doesn't by now she never will and I don't care and she can stay with him forever and forget me as I will forget her. Just like she did when she forced me to move up here and leave everything behind. I have trouble sharing and its been hard enough with him whining for her constant attention but I feel the same distress I felt before when the whole thing happened. It's painful I hate thinking about it. My chest hurts. This is all I have to say.

this is where the story ends

The last chapter is always the hardest. You rush to the end to see how it will turn out, only to find that the end isn't what you seek. You want the beginning; to start it over again. To feel every moment and emotion just once more so you'll never forget, but it's too late. It's all over and you can't go back. Sure, you can re-read all you want, but it will never feel the same, and it will only bring on the longing that you feel for the past. We can pretend the past isn't real, but without our pasts... mistakes, loves, successes, pains... who are we? No one.
My story is ending, along with many of those around me. Not forever, but up until this point I have been a child. The end of my former life is coming closer, too close. It hurts to face the final stages. I will try everything to fill them with moments of exhilaration, enlightenment, laughter, freedom, and mostly happiness... but no matter what I do, it won't bring back what I've lost. I try to feel the lingering sensations of childish thrill, but I can no longer completely let go of my fears and desires. They haunt me.
I know there is one thing I will never lose. It's been said that children can feel the world around them, they are susceptible to even the slightest change in atmosphere. They can sense catastrophes, read people without speaking to them, even communicate with the paranormal. I refuse to relinquish my ability to absorb the energies of the world. I live for those granted moments during which I lose all of who I am and become a part of that which surrounds me. Beyond all forms of emotion, so unfamiliar it's numbing... somehow vertigo... however, a most welcome revelation.
So no matter what we are losing with this next coming school year, or wherever the end of your story may be, it is possible to stay like this forever. It comes from within.

a summer revelation

One fine summer day I've decided to share this.

I do not believe in God, in fact, I haven't since the age of about 8.

I remember when I used to go to church, and pray with all the other kids room. The teachers told us little stories from the Bible and urged us to always keep faith in God, and that though he may not always seem close, we will never walk alone. Sounds so nice, doesn't it? Someone always there for you, someone you can find comfort in no matter what. Well for some reason, one day I decided it was all a lie, perhaps I found it all too good to be true, or I was watching a television program in which the character had a similar revelation. Whatever the case, from that moment on I decided that God didn't exist. He never had, and he never will.

This brings me to my present state of mind, in which I literally just realized that I am afraid of the possibility that God does in fact, exist. I wish to offend no one who holds faith in a particular religion, because I am no one to tell you what you feel is wrong. This is coming from the inside of my mind. The truth is, I constantly worry of the possibility that everything I think, feel, love, and desire is all inevitably going to condemn me to an afterlife of misery, or worse, complete annihilation in which everything I am ceases to exist and I am obliterated from existence; mind, body and soul. If God exists, he has the power to do this. This does not go without saying that in his little rule book, I would be a near ideal citizen of his little world except for the simple fact that I don't believe he exists. Of course I don't go to church, read any form of religious text, nor do I do any amount of prayer, but I am a good person and have done nothing severely wrong. I'm only human after all. I refrain from drinking, smoking, and I've never been intimate with anyone so no harm done there. So why is it that I can be such a good person, do nothing wrong, but go to hell because I'm not a believer?

Everyone who is a believer says everything happens for a reason that is unknown to us, and that it is God's will. I think this is an excuse for us to leave alone those events which we cannot change or control, or simply don't wish to. Wars, famine, plagues, holocausts and countless other crimes against humanity. Well here's the thing, many people who are firm religious believers are responsible for things like that. How can he advocate such cruel behavior? Or sit back and watch, and punish those later? What about those who lost their lives, innocent people, who aren't believers? Will they die in misery only to spend eternity in flames? It makes little sense to me. Another reason I don't believe: How many religions are there in the world? Who's right? Who can honestly tell someone of other religion that they are wrong, when that person believes just as strongly and purely in their religion as anyone else? I see no reasoning behind this.

Yet still I doubt myself, still I fear everything and everyone who believes. Religious conversations strike fear into me because so many people look down on me when the first thing they find out about me is that I don't believe in God. Where's the fairness in that? Aren't you not supposed to judge me?

That's what I'd come to believe.

A Bit of Info

Salut tout le monde! This is my first post, I want to have something instead of leaving it blank until I get the creative impulse to add a more important one. I'll put some of my myspace blogs up, I think they're pretty good. A friend recommended that I start one, lets hope I don't make a fool out of myself or do something really lame. À Bientôt!