a summer revelation

One fine summer day I've decided to share this.

I do not believe in God, in fact, I haven't since the age of about 8.

I remember when I used to go to church, and pray with all the other kids room. The teachers told us little stories from the Bible and urged us to always keep faith in God, and that though he may not always seem close, we will never walk alone. Sounds so nice, doesn't it? Someone always there for you, someone you can find comfort in no matter what. Well for some reason, one day I decided it was all a lie, perhaps I found it all too good to be true, or I was watching a television program in which the character had a similar revelation. Whatever the case, from that moment on I decided that God didn't exist. He never had, and he never will.

This brings me to my present state of mind, in which I literally just realized that I am afraid of the possibility that God does in fact, exist. I wish to offend no one who holds faith in a particular religion, because I am no one to tell you what you feel is wrong. This is coming from the inside of my mind. The truth is, I constantly worry of the possibility that everything I think, feel, love, and desire is all inevitably going to condemn me to an afterlife of misery, or worse, complete annihilation in which everything I am ceases to exist and I am obliterated from existence; mind, body and soul. If God exists, he has the power to do this. This does not go without saying that in his little rule book, I would be a near ideal citizen of his little world except for the simple fact that I don't believe he exists. Of course I don't go to church, read any form of religious text, nor do I do any amount of prayer, but I am a good person and have done nothing severely wrong. I'm only human after all. I refrain from drinking, smoking, and I've never been intimate with anyone so no harm done there. So why is it that I can be such a good person, do nothing wrong, but go to hell because I'm not a believer?

Everyone who is a believer says everything happens for a reason that is unknown to us, and that it is God's will. I think this is an excuse for us to leave alone those events which we cannot change or control, or simply don't wish to. Wars, famine, plagues, holocausts and countless other crimes against humanity. Well here's the thing, many people who are firm religious believers are responsible for things like that. How can he advocate such cruel behavior? Or sit back and watch, and punish those later? What about those who lost their lives, innocent people, who aren't believers? Will they die in misery only to spend eternity in flames? It makes little sense to me. Another reason I don't believe: How many religions are there in the world? Who's right? Who can honestly tell someone of other religion that they are wrong, when that person believes just as strongly and purely in their religion as anyone else? I see no reasoning behind this.

Yet still I doubt myself, still I fear everything and everyone who believes. Religious conversations strike fear into me because so many people look down on me when the first thing they find out about me is that I don't believe in God. Where's the fairness in that? Aren't you not supposed to judge me?

That's what I'd come to believe.