Today I got to spend time with a few of my favorite friends. I woke up next to Marina, and Vicky was asleep on the floor. After all of us hustling and bustling about while dressing and washing up, Marina and Vicky both got picked up, and Heidi and Jenny came to get me! We went to a comic book store which was insanely amazing! There were really hot girl action figures and REAL LIFE NERDS (Oh... wait. I'm a nerd... ^^;;;)! It smelled really good inside and I loved the giant red Hulk thing. We proceeded to exit the store and walk a ways down the side walk, and we came upon an antique shop. I certainly wasn't expecting anything so phenomenal! There were so many interesting ancient artifacts and random statuettes and sofas. Jenny even discovered an old Richard Scarrey book! I was elated! We were inside for a good hour just completely baffled by the sheer quantity of packed items, trying to carefully navigate our way through the maze of tables, chairs, and scary life-sized Indian dolls was probably the most time consuming part of our adventure. There was so much dust that Heidi nearly hacked up a hairball! Silly Heidi. We went to another antique store afterward, but it wasn't nearly as interesting. When we got back to la casa de Heidi y Jenny, Heidi and I watched Paper Heart (co-starring Michael Cera who is so extremely cute that I could die) and I wanted to punch the ugly girl who he kissed. Overall it was a touching movie, and made its way onto my list of semi-favorites (which is a tough title to hold). We ate yummy foods, and then Heidi took me home at around 6 something.
It would have been a perfect day if I would have been able to see Zoreo and Katie, too.
Yay! I finally took the time to post again!
Good Nite :3
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
My Mom
She's great. Even though she's forgetful and irresponsible sometimes, I have to admit I'm lucky. She's so open minded and trusting. I have more freedom than probably 80% of kids (and by freedom I mean I ask and still get to do stuff). Sometimes I think she's just carefree... but I realized today she's petrified of me going places alone or anything. She told me how she's extremely scared of me going off to college and how she constantly thinks about it. She even wants us to go to the gun range, get guns, tazers, and take self defense classes. She had been convincing me to join the military for a while but I learned today that was 90% because she knows I'll be safe for the most part (because I'm so smart I wouldn't be shipped out to do some insane undercover bomb operation or something). I just love her. I know I snap at her, and her drinking and smoking are the things I will never accept about her, but I truly adore my mom.
I just wish there was a was I could tell her how much without feeling like a dork...
:)
I just wish there was a was I could tell her how much without feeling like a dork...
:)
Saturday, October 17, 2009
I am so incredibly angry right now
Ok, so basically, Vicky goes to school with a bunch of fucking 5 year olds. She likes to talk shit, and a lot of shit. We both do it, it's fun and entertaining. We don't care if people like it or not, we just do it because we can. ALSO we watch porn. BIG DEAL. It doesn't matter. And yes, she talks about porn a little bit at her school, rarely.
One of those little retards decided it was okay to go and write a letter to her mom saying all this, and that she needs help. WHAT THE HELL. Who are you to decide what's right and wrong in someone's life!? Now her mom thinks she's some porn freak. What an idiot I swear to God I cannot hang out with these children anymore that's it. They're fun and all but they desperately need a reality check, they've been living in their Catholic School bubble for tooo fucking lonnngg. When they get into High School they're in for a surprise because no one gives a fuck about what you do. You can fucking give blowjobs in the bathroom and your parents are most likely not going to find out unless someone tells a teacher.
I'm so enraged. You mess with my best friend, you mess with me. If I ever find out who did this I'm going to tell them exactly what it is I think of them. I don't care if I get in trouble or not this is BS.
One of those little retards decided it was okay to go and write a letter to her mom saying all this, and that she needs help. WHAT THE HELL. Who are you to decide what's right and wrong in someone's life!? Now her mom thinks she's some porn freak. What an idiot I swear to God I cannot hang out with these children anymore that's it. They're fun and all but they desperately need a reality check, they've been living in their Catholic School bubble for tooo fucking lonnngg. When they get into High School they're in for a surprise because no one gives a fuck about what you do. You can fucking give blowjobs in the bathroom and your parents are most likely not going to find out unless someone tells a teacher.
I'm so enraged. You mess with my best friend, you mess with me. If I ever find out who did this I'm going to tell them exactly what it is I think of them. I don't care if I get in trouble or not this is BS.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Shit.
I am in severe need of inspiration. I have lost all desire to attend/apply for college. I simply want a job and money. Sounds easy, immature, overly ambitious and ridiculous, right?
I honestly feel it's lack of inspiration. Also, I have this fear of not going to school since that's what everyone expects of me. Maybe I should take a year off, I wouldn't want to go into college feeling like, "Oh great, more school. I'll just force myself to do the work because I have to." That's not what college is about and I know it. If I don't want to be there, then why go? My family will be quick to show their doubts and disappointments in me, but as long as I can be happy, I don't mind.
This is what I want:
job
simple car
live with someone I know (either Ali, Vicky, Imena, or Mary)
fun
Not very ambitious, but I don't care. I'm dying for freedom that only comes with income.
......Okay. It's official. I've lost it.
My mom just came into my room, so I decided to talk to her about my problems for a little while. I basically started bawling because I'm concerned about how I'm going to pay taxes. Honestly, I fret about this all the time. Taxes scare me. Then I almost cried again because I'm worried about bills. How do you pay bills??!?!?! (Thankfully, my mom explained this process to me.)
HOLY CRAP I'M LOSING IT. I totally feel like I'm going to cry again. The world is so scary I don't know what to do. I don't want a career, I don't want to go to college, I just want a job and a place to stay and a car. Seriously I'm crazy.
I honestly feel it's lack of inspiration. Also, I have this fear of not going to school since that's what everyone expects of me. Maybe I should take a year off, I wouldn't want to go into college feeling like, "Oh great, more school. I'll just force myself to do the work because I have to." That's not what college is about and I know it. If I don't want to be there, then why go? My family will be quick to show their doubts and disappointments in me, but as long as I can be happy, I don't mind.
This is what I want:
job
simple car
live with someone I know (either Ali, Vicky, Imena, or Mary)
fun
Not very ambitious, but I don't care. I'm dying for freedom that only comes with income.
......Okay. It's official. I've lost it.
My mom just came into my room, so I decided to talk to her about my problems for a little while. I basically started bawling because I'm concerned about how I'm going to pay taxes. Honestly, I fret about this all the time. Taxes scare me. Then I almost cried again because I'm worried about bills. How do you pay bills??!?!?! (Thankfully, my mom explained this process to me.)
HOLY CRAP I'M LOSING IT. I totally feel like I'm going to cry again. The world is so scary I don't know what to do. I don't want a career, I don't want to go to college, I just want a job and a place to stay and a car. Seriously I'm crazy.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Mes Yeuxxxxxx
My Eyesssss are soooo sore. Still.
I went to see Mr. Sanzone today about Skills USA and frankly, I'm certain that I am the official Skills USA Secretary without opposition or competition (no one else tried to sign up for the position). I'm excited because now I have to dedicate myself to something which I've never really done before. This and debate team (which I spent the past 2 hours preparing for, it was fun). I'm learning so much this year. I'm ecstatic about the future because I know that no matter what I'll be okay. Whether I go to college or whatever... life will be good. As long as I have these ("few") things, I'll be great:
Sex
Friends
Books
Clothes
Water
Food
The ability to get to Tampa
Bug-free living facility
Comfortable, quiet, dark, cold sleeping arrangement
Chapstick
Make-up
Lotion
Hair scrunchies
Ali
Music
Internet access
Not too much to ask for (yea right). I probably left some stuff out...
I went to see Mr. Sanzone today about Skills USA and frankly, I'm certain that I am the official Skills USA Secretary without opposition or competition (no one else tried to sign up for the position). I'm excited because now I have to dedicate myself to something which I've never really done before. This and debate team (which I spent the past 2 hours preparing for, it was fun). I'm learning so much this year. I'm ecstatic about the future because I know that no matter what I'll be okay. Whether I go to college or whatever... life will be good. As long as I have these ("few") things, I'll be great:
Sex
Friends
Books
Clothes
Water
Food
The ability to get to Tampa
Bug-free living facility
Comfortable, quiet, dark, cold sleeping arrangement
Chapstick
Make-up
Lotion
Hair scrunchies
Ali
Music
Internet access
Not too much to ask for (yea right). I probably left some stuff out...
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
The Girl With Kaleidescope Eyes
My eyes hurt intensely.
For a while I was thinking that I don't have senioritis... yea I totally do. Not that I've stopped doing any of my work or anything, I just feel like school wastes so much of my life. Like nearly half of my life it feels will be devoted to school if I keep going at the rate I'm going. Personally, I don't like the sound of that. It would only be okay if I could make good money while going to school but I don't like the sound of people talking about those "starving college kids". Like, why do I have to starve for my education?
Also, everyone instills this idea in your head when you're young that if you don't keep going to school after high school and if you don't get a career and get married and have kids that you'll either be a failure or you'll regret it. This pisses me off because that doesn't sound like it will make me happy. I no longer have the desire to have a career. I just want to have fun in my life. Life's too short to devote myself to a career that I see no value in. I just don't want to work my whole life doing something where I'm helping a bunch of worthless people who can't even help themselves. This doesn't go without saying that yes, some of the people I help will have worth, but I just don't think I have the capability to be that devoted. The only thing I've ever devoted myself to is school. That's why I have no service hours or extracurricular activities.
For a while I was thinking that I don't have senioritis... yea I totally do. Not that I've stopped doing any of my work or anything, I just feel like school wastes so much of my life. Like nearly half of my life it feels will be devoted to school if I keep going at the rate I'm going. Personally, I don't like the sound of that. It would only be okay if I could make good money while going to school but I don't like the sound of people talking about those "starving college kids". Like, why do I have to starve for my education?
Also, everyone instills this idea in your head when you're young that if you don't keep going to school after high school and if you don't get a career and get married and have kids that you'll either be a failure or you'll regret it. This pisses me off because that doesn't sound like it will make me happy. I no longer have the desire to have a career. I just want to have fun in my life. Life's too short to devote myself to a career that I see no value in. I just don't want to work my whole life doing something where I'm helping a bunch of worthless people who can't even help themselves. This doesn't go without saying that yes, some of the people I help will have worth, but I just don't think I have the capability to be that devoted. The only thing I've ever devoted myself to is school. That's why I have no service hours or extracurricular activities.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Lame, I know
I hate to post more than a blog a day but this is just so interesting.
Some of these questions are lame and dumb but the others are GENIUS questions:
Some of these questions are lame and dumb but the others are GENIUS questions:
1. Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?
2. Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
3. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
4. Why don't you ever see the headline Psychic Wins Lottery?
5. Why is abbreviated such a long word?
6. Why is a boxing ring square?
7. Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
8. Why is it that doctors call what they do practice?
9. Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?
10. Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on Start?
11. Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
12. Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor and dish washing liquid made with real lemons?
13. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
14. Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
15. Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
16. Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?
17. Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
18. If you throw a cat out of the car window, does it become kitty litter?
19. If you take an Asian person and spin him around several times does he become disoriented?
20. Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?
21. What do people in China call their good plates?
22. What do you call a male ladybug?
23. What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?
24. Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
25. Why do they call it a pair of pants, but only 1 bra?
26. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
27. Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
28. Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
29. Why are there Interstates in Hawaii?
30. Why are there flotation devices in the seats of planes instead of parachutes?
31. Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations where smoking is prohibited?
32. Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations?
33. How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work?
34. If the 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why does it have locks on the door?
35. You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of it?
36. If a firefighter fights fire and a crime fighter fights crime, what does a freedom fighter fight?
37. If they squeeze olives to get olive oil, how do they get baby oil?
38. If a cow laughs, does milk come out of her nose?
39. If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens?
40. Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of a drive-up ATM?
41. Why is it that when you transport something by car it is called shipment, but when you transport something by ship it's called cargo?
42. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
43. Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
44. If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
45. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal
Le Petit Chaperon Rouge
Little Red Riding Hood
(she was totally a whore)
Anyways... I'm pretty sure everyone thinks I'm a lesbian who doesn't already know me, because I'm very affectionate towards my friend Mary. Like, we totally walk through the halls arm in arm and hug each other and snuggle each other. It's normal to us though, and to her other friends who she snuggles all the time. We also make kissing faces at each other during class... Yea everyone totally thinks I'm a lesbian...
FUCK! Freaking advisory meeting. Tomorrow I have to miss part of Spanish class for the "pre-planning meeting" like anyone cares. I would have just told Ms. Johnson no but I could already feel the attitude about to come out so I just agreed to go. At least it's only a good 20-30 minutes. I'll try to make it go fast.
I want to be prom queeeeeennnnn!!
I totally match it. I care what everyone thinks about me and no one would expect it to happen. I'm really girly and enthusiastic and I'm super cute... I totally deserve it.
Jeansss dayyyy ;)
Ohh... I hope Dix bought a ticket. I saw him today at Gateway... yum.
Tomorrow better own.
(she was totally a whore)
Anyways... I'm pretty sure everyone thinks I'm a lesbian who doesn't already know me, because I'm very affectionate towards my friend Mary. Like, we totally walk through the halls arm in arm and hug each other and snuggle each other. It's normal to us though, and to her other friends who she snuggles all the time. We also make kissing faces at each other during class... Yea everyone totally thinks I'm a lesbian...
FUCK! Freaking advisory meeting. Tomorrow I have to miss part of Spanish class for the "pre-planning meeting" like anyone cares. I would have just told Ms. Johnson no but I could already feel the attitude about to come out so I just agreed to go. At least it's only a good 20-30 minutes. I'll try to make it go fast.
I want to be prom queeeeeennnnn!!
I totally match it. I care what everyone thinks about me and no one would expect it to happen. I'm really girly and enthusiastic and I'm super cute... I totally deserve it.
Jeansss dayyyy ;)
Ohh... I hope Dix bought a ticket. I saw him today at Gateway... yum.
Tomorrow better own.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Happinesssssss
I just got the computer back in my room and it totally works!
Pooorrrnnnn!!!! :D
I'm so excited. How lame... Oh well.
Anyways I found out some chilling (in a good way) information today.
I also had quite a few wasteful conversations with a few wasteful people. What a waste!
If people weren't so dirty... I'd be a prostitute for a living. I want money and I'm pretty sure I like sex. Happy combination :)
Don't judge me I'm just blogging. I wouldn't actually do it, I'd probably chicken out.
I want to parrrrtttyyyy
I've never actually done so and I'm DYING to tryyyyy.
I seem to be in the mood to tttaaallkkk llliiikkeee thiiiissss...
Lol. Lemmie shut up before I get obnoxious.
Have a cowboy candilicious day! :D
Pooorrrnnnn!!!! :D
I'm so excited. How lame... Oh well.
Anyways I found out some chilling (in a good way) information today.
I also had quite a few wasteful conversations with a few wasteful people. What a waste!
If people weren't so dirty... I'd be a prostitute for a living. I want money and I'm pretty sure I like sex. Happy combination :)
Don't judge me I'm just blogging. I wouldn't actually do it, I'd probably chicken out.
I want to parrrrtttyyyy
I've never actually done so and I'm DYING to tryyyyy.
I seem to be in the mood to tttaaallkkk llliiikkeee thiiiissss...
Lol. Lemmie shut up before I get obnoxious.
Have a cowboy candilicious day! :D
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
I Say Hello
Weird... so some guy just knocked on the door to my house. I guess he's selling windows and doors door to door. I know I'm not supposed to open the door for strange men but I didn't want to just leave the guy standing there. I tried to wake up my step dad but it was hopeless. The guy wrote his number in the most illegible handwriting ever. No windows for us lol...
Anwyayyyyssss... today was cool. I'm happy because I might be going on my first ever real teenager excursion. My stepsister will cover for me. She has to since I do it for her all the time.
Oh Spanish Classsss...... still delicious. Painfully delicious.
I need to buy flowers or something already so I can ask Mary to prom (non-dyking). I just think it will be funny to go all out. I'm totally going to kneel down. Lmfao.
I had the Sailor Moon theme song stuck in my head today. I couldn't help but reminisce on old times.
Ugh.. this 13 year old girl on my Facebook posted her status, "How do you know when you're in love?"... I'm like ,"when you're older and more experienced..."
Children these days...
Whatever. I hate getting involved but I can't stand when children act so... childish.
Then again I call myself a child all the time. I'm not ready to grow up because I feel I'm not done being a child. I don't want to waste my life feeling like I missed out on something so I'm going to take my first few after-high-school years slowly.
Maybe I'll be a Linguist when I grow up... how much do they make... I wonder.
Anwyayyyyssss... today was cool. I'm happy because I might be going on my first ever real teenager excursion. My stepsister will cover for me. She has to since I do it for her all the time.
Oh Spanish Classsss...... still delicious. Painfully delicious.
I need to buy flowers or something already so I can ask Mary to prom (non-dyking). I just think it will be funny to go all out. I'm totally going to kneel down. Lmfao.
I had the Sailor Moon theme song stuck in my head today. I couldn't help but reminisce on old times.
Ugh.. this 13 year old girl on my Facebook posted her status, "How do you know when you're in love?"... I'm like ,"when you're older and more experienced..."
Children these days...
Whatever. I hate getting involved but I can't stand when children act so... childish.
Then again I call myself a child all the time. I'm not ready to grow up because I feel I'm not done being a child. I don't want to waste my life feeling like I missed out on something so I'm going to take my first few after-high-school years slowly.
Maybe I'll be a Linguist when I grow up... how much do they make... I wonder.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Sunday Sunday
This weekend was so much fun. I totally watched porn and ate taco bell with my friends as we had been dying to do for quite a while. We also went to Books-A-Million and had a read-aloud session (tysm Imena) and I enjoyed it quite a bit.
Dutch candy is the bomb.
So I painted my nails like I've been dying to do for ages but the color isn't quite what I wanted and they're all bumpy because I suck at it. :| Oh well... It looks semi-cute and no one will probably notice.
I'm definitely excited for this week. I hope it flies by so I can do Senior pics already.
I'm gonna have to wake up at 3am that way once I get to school my eyes don't look like a weirdo.
My lips need chap stick.
Ooohhh, I cannot wait for Spanish class tomorrow. It will be the best.
I'm going to ask Mary to prom (non-dyking). It's going to be cute! :3
Goodsundaynight!
Dutch candy is the bomb.
So I painted my nails like I've been dying to do for ages but the color isn't quite what I wanted and they're all bumpy because I suck at it. :| Oh well... It looks semi-cute and no one will probably notice.
I'm definitely excited for this week. I hope it flies by so I can do Senior pics already.
I'm gonna have to wake up at 3am that way once I get to school my eyes don't look like a weirdo.
My lips need chap stick.
Ooohhh, I cannot wait for Spanish class tomorrow. It will be the best.
I'm going to ask Mary to prom (non-dyking). It's going to be cute! :3
Goodsundaynight!
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Aujourd'hui
I have a word of advice... mainly to myself. Always sit with the prettier girl on the bus.
I remember the first day of school (the girl I sat with on the bus last year got kicked out and goes to Gateway now) so I get on the bus and there's another girl sitting in the spot she used to sit in... and another girl on the seat opposite from that one. I decided just to sit in my old seat, even though the girl sitting there was ugly and the other girl was super cute (btw I don't like ugly people, they annoy me faster and more intensely than cute people). So I sat with her, only to discover her monotone voice, lack of enthusiasm, and overall inability to carry on a proper conversation. Plus, mind you, she's ugly. To this day I regret not sitting with the girl who was super cute, because I listen to her conversations and not only does she have normal conversations but she has a nice accent to go along with them. I can't just go and sit with the other girl now because my new bus"buddy" will probably get all depressed and think I hate her (OH WAIT, I DO!).
So anyways, today I was sitting on the bus with her, and she put in her iPod. I was thankful for that because I figured she would at least leave me alone and I could allow my mind to run free while I admire the world around me. As the bus pulls out of the bus loop, I can feel the seat shaking... and I'm quite perplexed at this for a second until I realize it's Rugrat (that's what I shall call her) doing some odd ritualistic head bobbing motion.... oh no.. that's just her "dancing." I guess her dancing consists of her moving her head up and down like a chicken when it's walking because that's what she looked like. She continued on and I was able to ignore her until she began to move closer to me and exaggerate her movements. I looked over at her with the most annoyed yet kindly smiling face possible and this was her response, "Come on, you know it's funny, I can see you trying to hold back your laugh."
People... I have NEVER in my life, met someone so stupid that they cannot differentiate an annoyed facial expression from someone about to laugh.
Maybe she was trying to be an idiot on purpose just in hopes that I would talk to her... well either way it only had a negative effect on me.
I actually had to explain to her that I was in a serious mood and simply could not be brought to laughter at the current moment. Which was a half lie half truth but it's not like she knew or was going to argue with me about it.
So once she shut up, the bus ride was quite pleasant.
Then I got home and made spaghetti. It was a bit of a hassle but in the end it tasted sooooo amazing that all my troubles just melted away... ( :| not)
HP is the best computer brand EVER :D
Yayyyy HP
Oh, guess what:
If you are right handed, you will tend to chew your food on your right side. If you are left handed, you will tend to chew your food on your left side.
Next time you're eating, pay attention. Totally worked for me.
I remember the first day of school (the girl I sat with on the bus last year got kicked out and goes to Gateway now) so I get on the bus and there's another girl sitting in the spot she used to sit in... and another girl on the seat opposite from that one. I decided just to sit in my old seat, even though the girl sitting there was ugly and the other girl was super cute (btw I don't like ugly people, they annoy me faster and more intensely than cute people). So I sat with her, only to discover her monotone voice, lack of enthusiasm, and overall inability to carry on a proper conversation. Plus, mind you, she's ugly. To this day I regret not sitting with the girl who was super cute, because I listen to her conversations and not only does she have normal conversations but she has a nice accent to go along with them. I can't just go and sit with the other girl now because my new bus"buddy" will probably get all depressed and think I hate her (OH WAIT, I DO!).
So anyways, today I was sitting on the bus with her, and she put in her iPod. I was thankful for that because I figured she would at least leave me alone and I could allow my mind to run free while I admire the world around me. As the bus pulls out of the bus loop, I can feel the seat shaking... and I'm quite perplexed at this for a second until I realize it's Rugrat (that's what I shall call her) doing some odd ritualistic head bobbing motion.... oh no.. that's just her "dancing." I guess her dancing consists of her moving her head up and down like a chicken when it's walking because that's what she looked like. She continued on and I was able to ignore her until she began to move closer to me and exaggerate her movements. I looked over at her with the most annoyed yet kindly smiling face possible and this was her response, "Come on, you know it's funny, I can see you trying to hold back your laugh."
People... I have NEVER in my life, met someone so stupid that they cannot differentiate an annoyed facial expression from someone about to laugh.
Maybe she was trying to be an idiot on purpose just in hopes that I would talk to her... well either way it only had a negative effect on me.
I actually had to explain to her that I was in a serious mood and simply could not be brought to laughter at the current moment. Which was a half lie half truth but it's not like she knew or was going to argue with me about it.
So once she shut up, the bus ride was quite pleasant.
Then I got home and made spaghetti. It was a bit of a hassle but in the end it tasted sooooo amazing that all my troubles just melted away... ( :| not)
HP is the best computer brand EVER :D
Yayyyy HP
Oh, guess what:
If you are right handed, you will tend to chew your food on your right side. If you are left handed, you will tend to chew your food on your left side.
Next time you're eating, pay attention. Totally worked for me.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Brain Spill
I like photos.
Not just pictures... photos.
I'm excited because I'm going to try to do volunteer work as a reading buddy for 3rd graders at Kissimmee Charter school. I hope the lady in charge gets back to me. I like kids, as long as they aren't in my house for extended periods of time under my supervision.
... Makes me think of Iza. She's so cute, I just wish she would calm her ass down, then I could play with her more. (FYI: Iza is my step niece. She's 5 and has ADHD. I used to not believe in ADHD and ADD until I met her.)
I still need a job... Oh golly, what a good time for me to job search! Glad I though of that.
I wonder what my life will be like in 6 months. I'm scared.
I'm determined to work up the nerve to stay after school Thursday for the debate club at school. I know I can do it I just have to get myself really excited about it. It sounds like so much fun.
Ohhh I loooove Spanish class.... and that delicious freshman who sits next to Mary.
I saw him at Gateway, I guess he was there for football practice and he was out of uniform.
...I almost came.
:) hehe.
Well I'm off to go work my muscles. I want abs... or at least semi-abs.
...And I mean the girly kind, not OD muscles like freaking Olympic chicks on TV.
Oh... I meant to rant about this. I hate when I know someone only a little bit, and I'm not yet comfortable with saying hi to them in the hallways and I get nervous because I'm wondering if they're going to say anything to me. Then I'm worried they think I'm an asshole for not saying anything to them. Man I'm psycho. I need meds.
Not.
Ok that's allllllll
Not just pictures... photos.
I'm excited because I'm going to try to do volunteer work as a reading buddy for 3rd graders at Kissimmee Charter school. I hope the lady in charge gets back to me. I like kids, as long as they aren't in my house for extended periods of time under my supervision.
... Makes me think of Iza. She's so cute, I just wish she would calm her ass down, then I could play with her more. (FYI: Iza is my step niece. She's 5 and has ADHD. I used to not believe in ADHD and ADD until I met her.)
I still need a job... Oh golly, what a good time for me to job search! Glad I though of that.
I wonder what my life will be like in 6 months. I'm scared.
I'm determined to work up the nerve to stay after school Thursday for the debate club at school. I know I can do it I just have to get myself really excited about it. It sounds like so much fun.
Ohhh I loooove Spanish class.... and that delicious freshman who sits next to Mary.
I saw him at Gateway, I guess he was there for football practice and he was out of uniform.
...I almost came.
:) hehe.
Well I'm off to go work my muscles. I want abs... or at least semi-abs.
...And I mean the girly kind, not OD muscles like freaking Olympic chicks on TV.
Oh... I meant to rant about this. I hate when I know someone only a little bit, and I'm not yet comfortable with saying hi to them in the hallways and I get nervous because I'm wondering if they're going to say anything to me. Then I'm worried they think I'm an asshole for not saying anything to them. Man I'm psycho. I need meds.
Not.
Ok that's allllllll
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Duh Myself...
Hello Blogspot...
I seem to have forgotten that I have a blog.
I usually remember when I'm in no position to post something i.e. at school, about to go to sleep, etc.
I find it quite funny.
Ali (my stepsister) is the best. Like, she has such amazing advice and she's so smart in her own way, not book smart, but she's experienced so many different things and shares them all with me. She tells me the truth... the brutal, unflinching truth. Even though she's 25 and has 2 kids she can relate to me better than about 95% of the people in my life.
I usually feel a bit confused when I think about whether I would turn back time and never move to Kissimmee if I could.. but I've officially decided that I'm glad I did move here, and I'm glad my mom did meet my retarded stepdad.
That doesn't go without saying that all my other friends have most definitely contributed to this decision.
Life is amazing... I would like to keep it that way.
:)
I seem to have forgotten that I have a blog.
I usually remember when I'm in no position to post something i.e. at school, about to go to sleep, etc.
I find it quite funny.
Ali (my stepsister) is the best. Like, she has such amazing advice and she's so smart in her own way, not book smart, but she's experienced so many different things and shares them all with me. She tells me the truth... the brutal, unflinching truth. Even though she's 25 and has 2 kids she can relate to me better than about 95% of the people in my life.
I usually feel a bit confused when I think about whether I would turn back time and never move to Kissimmee if I could.. but I've officially decided that I'm glad I did move here, and I'm glad my mom did meet my retarded stepdad.
That doesn't go without saying that all my other friends have most definitely contributed to this decision.
Life is amazing... I would like to keep it that way.
:)
Sunday, August 23, 2009
This is it
Tomorrow is the first day of what will be the best school year I will ever have had in k-12. Not only is it my last, but I am more confident, intelligent, and social than I've been at any other time in my life. I'm ecstatic. I don't even care that I have to wake up at 5:15am because it's completely worth it. School is amazing.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
this ruined my revelation
I was content that I'd finally been able to post something meaningful. I felt fantastic almost. However the feeling was short lived. I'd been looking forward to this weekend as time I finally get to spend with my mom, without my sorry excuse for a step"father" tagging along, chattering along the way.
Forget all of this philosophical junk I've been trying to do. I like nice words but I can't express myself accurately. I'm enraged, I hate my this man. I will be referring to him as this/that man for the remainder of this blog and those to come. Now he's decided he wants to come along. My mom wants to include him in EVERYTHING. I don't care that it's my Abuela's birthday, he doesn't need to be there, I don't think she even gives a fuck about him. I was hoping we could leave early so I could attend a play, one of my friends went to acting camp this summer and I don't think any of her friends are going, so I wanted to show my support, bring her flowers or something. Now we have to wait for him to get out of work, so I will inevitably miss the play. I no longer have the desire to go to Tampa. I will not stay the night there and deal with their drunken, loud, partying. It will most likely end in tears as my cousin Kaitlen isn't there for moral support. This is bullshit, I can't believe it. She knows how much this kind of stuff means to me and if she doesn't by now she never will and I don't care and she can stay with him forever and forget me as I will forget her. Just like she did when she forced me to move up here and leave everything behind. I have trouble sharing and its been hard enough with him whining for her constant attention but I feel the same distress I felt before when the whole thing happened. It's painful I hate thinking about it. My chest hurts. This is all I have to say.
Forget all of this philosophical junk I've been trying to do. I like nice words but I can't express myself accurately. I'm enraged, I hate my this man. I will be referring to him as this/that man for the remainder of this blog and those to come. Now he's decided he wants to come along. My mom wants to include him in EVERYTHING. I don't care that it's my Abuela's birthday, he doesn't need to be there, I don't think she even gives a fuck about him. I was hoping we could leave early so I could attend a play, one of my friends went to acting camp this summer and I don't think any of her friends are going, so I wanted to show my support, bring her flowers or something. Now we have to wait for him to get out of work, so I will inevitably miss the play. I no longer have the desire to go to Tampa. I will not stay the night there and deal with their drunken, loud, partying. It will most likely end in tears as my cousin Kaitlen isn't there for moral support. This is bullshit, I can't believe it. She knows how much this kind of stuff means to me and if she doesn't by now she never will and I don't care and she can stay with him forever and forget me as I will forget her. Just like she did when she forced me to move up here and leave everything behind. I have trouble sharing and its been hard enough with him whining for her constant attention but I feel the same distress I felt before when the whole thing happened. It's painful I hate thinking about it. My chest hurts. This is all I have to say.
this is where the story ends
The last chapter is always the hardest. You rush to the end to see how it will turn out, only to find that the end isn't what you seek. You want the beginning; to start it over again. To feel every moment and emotion just once more so you'll never forget, but it's too late. It's all over and you can't go back. Sure, you can re-read all you want, but it will never feel the same, and it will only bring on the longing that you feel for the past. We can pretend the past isn't real, but without our pasts... mistakes, loves, successes, pains... who are we? No one.
My story is ending, along with many of those around me. Not forever, but up until this point I have been a child. The end of my former life is coming closer, too close. It hurts to face the final stages. I will try everything to fill them with moments of exhilaration, enlightenment, laughter, freedom, and mostly happiness... but no matter what I do, it won't bring back what I've lost. I try to feel the lingering sensations of childish thrill, but I can no longer completely let go of my fears and desires. They haunt me.
I know there is one thing I will never lose. It's been said that children can feel the world around them, they are susceptible to even the slightest change in atmosphere. They can sense catastrophes, read people without speaking to them, even communicate with the paranormal. I refuse to relinquish my ability to absorb the energies of the world. I live for those granted moments during which I lose all of who I am and become a part of that which surrounds me. Beyond all forms of emotion, so unfamiliar it's numbing... somehow vertigo... however, a most welcome revelation.
So no matter what we are losing with this next coming school year, or wherever the end of your story may be, it is possible to stay like this forever. It comes from within.
My story is ending, along with many of those around me. Not forever, but up until this point I have been a child. The end of my former life is coming closer, too close. It hurts to face the final stages. I will try everything to fill them with moments of exhilaration, enlightenment, laughter, freedom, and mostly happiness... but no matter what I do, it won't bring back what I've lost. I try to feel the lingering sensations of childish thrill, but I can no longer completely let go of my fears and desires. They haunt me.
I know there is one thing I will never lose. It's been said that children can feel the world around them, they are susceptible to even the slightest change in atmosphere. They can sense catastrophes, read people without speaking to them, even communicate with the paranormal. I refuse to relinquish my ability to absorb the energies of the world. I live for those granted moments during which I lose all of who I am and become a part of that which surrounds me. Beyond all forms of emotion, so unfamiliar it's numbing... somehow vertigo... however, a most welcome revelation.
So no matter what we are losing with this next coming school year, or wherever the end of your story may be, it is possible to stay like this forever. It comes from within.
Saturday, August 1, 2009
a summer revelation
I remember when I used to go to church, and pray with all the other kids room. The teachers told us little stories from the Bible and urged us to always keep faith in God, and that though he may not always seem close, we will never walk alone. Sounds so nice, doesn't it? Someone always there for you, someone you can find comfort in no matter what. Well for some reason, one day I decided it was all a lie, perhaps I found it all too good to be true, or I was watching a television program in which the character had a similar revelation. Whatever the case, from that moment on I decided that God didn't exist. He never had, and he never will.
This brings me to my present state of mind, in which I literally just realized that I am afraid of the possibility that God does in fact, exist. I wish to offend no one who holds faith in a particular religion, because I am no one to tell you what you feel is wrong. This is coming from the inside of my mind. The truth is, I constantly worry of the possibility that everything I think, feel, love, and desire is all inevitably going to condemn me to an afterlife of misery, or worse, complete annihilation in which everything I am ceases to exist and I am obliterated from existence; mind, body and soul. If God exists, he has the power to do this. This does not go without saying that in his little rule book, I would be a near ideal citizen of his little world except for the simple fact that I don't believe he exists. Of course I don't go to church, read any form of religious text, nor do I do any amount of prayer, but I am a good person and have done nothing severely wrong. I'm only human after all. I refrain from drinking, smoking, and I've never been intimate with anyone so no harm done there. So why is it that I can be such a good person, do nothing wrong, but go to hell because I'm not a believer?
Everyone who is a believer says everything happens for a reason that is unknown to us, and that it is God's will. I think this is an excuse for us to leave alone those events which we cannot change or control, or simply don't wish to. Wars, famine, plagues, holocausts and countless other crimes against humanity. Well here's the thing, many people who are firm religious believers are responsible for things like that. How can he advocate such cruel behavior? Or sit back and watch, and punish those later? What about those who lost their lives, innocent people, who aren't believers? Will they die in misery only to spend eternity in flames? It makes little sense to me. Another reason I don't believe: How many religions are there in the world? Who's right? Who can honestly tell someone of other religion that they are wrong, when that person believes just as strongly and purely in their religion as anyone else? I see no reasoning behind this.
Yet still I doubt myself, still I fear everything and everyone who believes. Religious conversations strike fear into me because so many people look down on me when the first thing they find out about me is that I don't believe in God. Where's the fairness in that? Aren't you not supposed to judge me?
That's what I'd come to believe.
A Bit of Info
Salut tout le monde! This is my first post, I want to have something instead of leaving it blank until I get the creative impulse to add a more important one. I'll put some of my myspace blogs up, I think they're pretty good. A friend recommended that I start one, lets hope I don't make a fool out of myself or do something really lame. À Bientôt!
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