Days...
Weeks...
Months...
Time is endless. We all know this. I have been searching for ways to absorb each second like the oxygen in my lungs. To hang in each moment with my senses running free...
...Though there are times where I just want to let it all run past me while I lay silently in an empty space. Times where I want to hide.
I believe these days are different. I say believe because when I think of these moments--these emotions--my heart shivers in my chest and reminds me that it's beating and that I'm still part of this life. So believe I must, for my sake and for my heart's sake. I have been on these intense highs, the lower of the lows have passed and the hope I once shrugged away has once again wound itself around the center of my universe. Life is a beast, a lover, a labyrinth, a palindrome...
This evening there was a sun shower, and as the darker clouds drug themselves across the torn sky they brought with them a torrential downpour. I stood on the balcony and it seeped into my skin and into my blood and I felt it inside. These are the moments when I am at peace. In the rain.
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Between
The departure of my final affair with what became my obsession ignited an apathetic passion inside of me.
It was as though all I lived for was nothing. I was between two states of mind - that which yearned to fill my hunger with whatever I could find, and that which wished me to fade away and cease to exist. Mundane activities became of the utmost importance, it was a sense of ritualistic hostility that kept me functioning on a level I once thought was a form of recovery. I learned that this is not the case. I became dependent on them to justify my lack of self worth. They were the things I truly believed would bring me what I thought I desired most. I forced myself to drain all desire for the strange paradise that had transformed me, as painful as it was to even attempt to pretend I cared not. I instead painted an image of the girl I wanted to be, and clung to the vision I built around the boy I thought I could keep, though inside I knew he was never real.
So I waited for the return that never came to be. In that time a small seed of hate that had long since began to sprout began to snake its way into my life once more. Leaves and flowers glowered with a tangible aroma of spite, reminding once more that my futile attempt at peace was nothing more than a pitiful façade. Two powerful entities that ruled the woman who bore my flesh and fought for me without ever having asked for one thing in return were in turmoil. It was I and the shadows of her past, which left her vulnerable to the effects of untrue intentions. She long ago lost the will to fight for herself, and let the ocean of regret take her spirit. As a result she allowed herself to settle into a situation she knew all too well wasn't right, but she no longer had the sanity to let it go. Once the viscous nectar that was the truth of my reality became exposed to the light of day, a force thicker than the blood a mother could share with her daughter flooded the bridge between them. And so I fled, with the help of whom I can only describe as a light from the heart of the universe to guide me through a complete darkness, and her love and acceptance gave me the strength to walk away and not look back until I knew what I did was right. I was on my way back to the place where I grew as a child and was forced to abandon long ago, yet I became trapped in what I can only describe as the between.
It was as though all I lived for was nothing. I was between two states of mind - that which yearned to fill my hunger with whatever I could find, and that which wished me to fade away and cease to exist. Mundane activities became of the utmost importance, it was a sense of ritualistic hostility that kept me functioning on a level I once thought was a form of recovery. I learned that this is not the case. I became dependent on them to justify my lack of self worth. They were the things I truly believed would bring me what I thought I desired most. I forced myself to drain all desire for the strange paradise that had transformed me, as painful as it was to even attempt to pretend I cared not. I instead painted an image of the girl I wanted to be, and clung to the vision I built around the boy I thought I could keep, though inside I knew he was never real.
So I waited for the return that never came to be. In that time a small seed of hate that had long since began to sprout began to snake its way into my life once more. Leaves and flowers glowered with a tangible aroma of spite, reminding once more that my futile attempt at peace was nothing more than a pitiful façade. Two powerful entities that ruled the woman who bore my flesh and fought for me without ever having asked for one thing in return were in turmoil. It was I and the shadows of her past, which left her vulnerable to the effects of untrue intentions. She long ago lost the will to fight for herself, and let the ocean of regret take her spirit. As a result she allowed herself to settle into a situation she knew all too well wasn't right, but she no longer had the sanity to let it go. Once the viscous nectar that was the truth of my reality became exposed to the light of day, a force thicker than the blood a mother could share with her daughter flooded the bridge between them. And so I fled, with the help of whom I can only describe as a light from the heart of the universe to guide me through a complete darkness, and her love and acceptance gave me the strength to walk away and not look back until I knew what I did was right. I was on my way back to the place where I grew as a child and was forced to abandon long ago, yet I became trapped in what I can only describe as the between.
Saturday, November 12, 2011
Death
Once I was sent crashing back to Earth; boiled down and ejected into the thick, black atmosphere of my past life, I couldn't see anything in front of me. I still watched the world with the eyes I stole from my dream like state, and everything that used to make sense was lost in the translation of a hopeless wasteland. Since I no longer had a heart, I lost the will to fight for things I could care for. There was something important I used to have to do, but all things meaningful were dust in light of what had happened to me, and so I started to wander aimlessly into the shadows of apathy and denial. I left the school I once held so close to my intentions, three days of torturous projections into places I couldn't believe I ever wanted to go. I was once again what I always had been. Nothing.
Purged of all fulfilment, I went in search of other things to make my life pleasant. It was futile, though, as I sat and watched the sun that seemed brighter than I remembered, blinding almost, creep across the sky. It mocked me with its vibrant energy, seemingly endless and warm. I floated inside myself. I do not remember much about those days, just that I cried more than I should have. Loss is always hard to deal with, be it a person, place or thing.
Eventually the dream that stole my heart away faded, and my old life grew back over the surface of my existence, like mold. It was infectious and deadly. A new type of desire burnt my tired soul. That of the physical sort, arguably the most dangerous. My prey was much closer than it should have been, much easier to latch onto than necessary. It became a game, and when I won, it was more than I'd ever experienced before. I fed on the flesh of an unsuspecting victim, yet the tables turned as they always do, and it was I once again who lost it all. It was wrenched right out from under me, in almost a literal sense. My chest was emptied of my heart long ago, and now my bed was empty of my addiction.
What was this... I never knew. Pain is just the same whether you know what causes it or not. Either way all I knew between my awakening and my attachment was this: I was a dead person. A shell of what I'd used to be. My blood was cold and I'd submitted to being second best, using and letting myself get used, under a secrecy that was as transparent as my soul.
Purged of all fulfilment, I went in search of other things to make my life pleasant. It was futile, though, as I sat and watched the sun that seemed brighter than I remembered, blinding almost, creep across the sky. It mocked me with its vibrant energy, seemingly endless and warm. I floated inside myself. I do not remember much about those days, just that I cried more than I should have. Loss is always hard to deal with, be it a person, place or thing.
Eventually the dream that stole my heart away faded, and my old life grew back over the surface of my existence, like mold. It was infectious and deadly. A new type of desire burnt my tired soul. That of the physical sort, arguably the most dangerous. My prey was much closer than it should have been, much easier to latch onto than necessary. It became a game, and when I won, it was more than I'd ever experienced before. I fed on the flesh of an unsuspecting victim, yet the tables turned as they always do, and it was I once again who lost it all. It was wrenched right out from under me, in almost a literal sense. My chest was emptied of my heart long ago, and now my bed was empty of my addiction.
What was this... I never knew. Pain is just the same whether you know what causes it or not. Either way all I knew between my awakening and my attachment was this: I was a dead person. A shell of what I'd used to be. My blood was cold and I'd submitted to being second best, using and letting myself get used, under a secrecy that was as transparent as my soul.
Friday, November 11, 2011
Forgotten
So I am a new person.
Well at least in a sense. Things have happened to me.
I had this dream once. I went on a trip across the world, and saw things I'd only ever imagined and seen on TV. It was a land of strange voices belonging to stranger people, shouting and laughing and crying, and they didn't have a care in the world except to simply be. Everything was moving so quickly and I hardly knew myself. Before I had the chance to make sense of where I was I had become a part of it; my heart melted right out of my chest and before I could gather it up and put it away it had seeped into the soil. My eyes glazed over and I was entranced. In love. I would have died to be born and live there. To taste and smell again the wonders I'd discovered in that seemingly non-existent paradise. To live and be free, happy as I once was as though nothing else in the world mattered. I suppose it's most fortunate that it was only a dream... or so it seems.
It is only after you truly fall in love that you know what it means to be lost. When the only thing you can associate with the word "whole" is taken away from you. Or worse, you're taken away from it. And in your heart of hearts you know one day you'll get back... you just don't know when or how. Until then life just pushes you along, and if you try to fight it it beats you down and drags you. Time slows down and suffocates you, it squeezes you until tears leak from your eyes like raindrops from the stomachs of swollen storm clouds. Equally frightening and equally as destructive. Yet you face your largest task: acceptance. I hate the word. It's such an easy word to push, so simple to say to someone yet so much harder to do. It does happen though, as it happened to me. Everything in between then and now is unimportant. What is important is what I wish to say about my life, little as it may be. I believe in words.
Well at least in a sense. Things have happened to me.
I had this dream once. I went on a trip across the world, and saw things I'd only ever imagined and seen on TV. It was a land of strange voices belonging to stranger people, shouting and laughing and crying, and they didn't have a care in the world except to simply be. Everything was moving so quickly and I hardly knew myself. Before I had the chance to make sense of where I was I had become a part of it; my heart melted right out of my chest and before I could gather it up and put it away it had seeped into the soil. My eyes glazed over and I was entranced. In love. I would have died to be born and live there. To taste and smell again the wonders I'd discovered in that seemingly non-existent paradise. To live and be free, happy as I once was as though nothing else in the world mattered. I suppose it's most fortunate that it was only a dream... or so it seems.
It is only after you truly fall in love that you know what it means to be lost. When the only thing you can associate with the word "whole" is taken away from you. Or worse, you're taken away from it. And in your heart of hearts you know one day you'll get back... you just don't know when or how. Until then life just pushes you along, and if you try to fight it it beats you down and drags you. Time slows down and suffocates you, it squeezes you until tears leak from your eyes like raindrops from the stomachs of swollen storm clouds. Equally frightening and equally as destructive. Yet you face your largest task: acceptance. I hate the word. It's such an easy word to push, so simple to say to someone yet so much harder to do. It does happen though, as it happened to me. Everything in between then and now is unimportant. What is important is what I wish to say about my life, little as it may be. I believe in words.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Anxious
I'm at the point where I'm pretty sure I need anxiety medication.
Everything makes me nervous.
Though I'm an overall happy person!
My chest hurts but there's nothing wrong with my heart.
I'm just insane.
FML
Everything makes me nervous.
Though I'm an overall happy person!
My chest hurts but there's nothing wrong with my heart.
I'm just insane.
FML
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Comic Books, Antiques, Paper Heart
Today I got to spend time with a few of my favorite friends. I woke up next to Marina, and Vicky was asleep on the floor. After all of us hustling and bustling about while dressing and washing up, Marina and Vicky both got picked up, and Heidi and Jenny came to get me! We went to a comic book store which was insanely amazing! There were really hot girl action figures and REAL LIFE NERDS (Oh... wait. I'm a nerd... ^^;;;)! It smelled really good inside and I loved the giant red Hulk thing. We proceeded to exit the store and walk a ways down the side walk, and we came upon an antique shop. I certainly wasn't expecting anything so phenomenal! There were so many interesting ancient artifacts and random statuettes and sofas. Jenny even discovered an old Richard Scarrey book! I was elated! We were inside for a good hour just completely baffled by the sheer quantity of packed items, trying to carefully navigate our way through the maze of tables, chairs, and scary life-sized Indian dolls was probably the most time consuming part of our adventure. There was so much dust that Heidi nearly hacked up a hairball! Silly Heidi. We went to another antique store afterward, but it wasn't nearly as interesting. When we got back to la casa de Heidi y Jenny, Heidi and I watched Paper Heart (co-starring Michael Cera who is so extremely cute that I could die) and I wanted to punch the ugly girl who he kissed. Overall it was a touching movie, and made its way onto my list of semi-favorites (which is a tough title to hold). We ate yummy foods, and then Heidi took me home at around 6 something.
It would have been a perfect day if I would have been able to see Zoreo and Katie, too.
Yay! I finally took the time to post again!
Good Nite :3
It would have been a perfect day if I would have been able to see Zoreo and Katie, too.
Yay! I finally took the time to post again!
Good Nite :3
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
My Mom
She's great. Even though she's forgetful and irresponsible sometimes, I have to admit I'm lucky. She's so open minded and trusting. I have more freedom than probably 80% of kids (and by freedom I mean I ask and still get to do stuff). Sometimes I think she's just carefree... but I realized today she's petrified of me going places alone or anything. She told me how she's extremely scared of me going off to college and how she constantly thinks about it. She even wants us to go to the gun range, get guns, tazers, and take self defense classes. She had been convincing me to join the military for a while but I learned today that was 90% because she knows I'll be safe for the most part (because I'm so smart I wouldn't be shipped out to do some insane undercover bomb operation or something). I just love her. I know I snap at her, and her drinking and smoking are the things I will never accept about her, but I truly adore my mom.
I just wish there was a was I could tell her how much without feeling like a dork...
:)
I just wish there was a was I could tell her how much without feeling like a dork...
:)
Saturday, October 17, 2009
I am so incredibly angry right now
Ok, so basically, Vicky goes to school with a bunch of fucking 5 year olds. She likes to talk shit, and a lot of shit. We both do it, it's fun and entertaining. We don't care if people like it or not, we just do it because we can. ALSO we watch porn. BIG DEAL. It doesn't matter. And yes, she talks about porn a little bit at her school, rarely.
One of those little retards decided it was okay to go and write a letter to her mom saying all this, and that she needs help. WHAT THE HELL. Who are you to decide what's right and wrong in someone's life!? Now her mom thinks she's some porn freak. What an idiot I swear to God I cannot hang out with these children anymore that's it. They're fun and all but they desperately need a reality check, they've been living in their Catholic School bubble for tooo fucking lonnngg. When they get into High School they're in for a surprise because no one gives a fuck about what you do. You can fucking give blowjobs in the bathroom and your parents are most likely not going to find out unless someone tells a teacher.
I'm so enraged. You mess with my best friend, you mess with me. If I ever find out who did this I'm going to tell them exactly what it is I think of them. I don't care if I get in trouble or not this is BS.
One of those little retards decided it was okay to go and write a letter to her mom saying all this, and that she needs help. WHAT THE HELL. Who are you to decide what's right and wrong in someone's life!? Now her mom thinks she's some porn freak. What an idiot I swear to God I cannot hang out with these children anymore that's it. They're fun and all but they desperately need a reality check, they've been living in their Catholic School bubble for tooo fucking lonnngg. When they get into High School they're in for a surprise because no one gives a fuck about what you do. You can fucking give blowjobs in the bathroom and your parents are most likely not going to find out unless someone tells a teacher.
I'm so enraged. You mess with my best friend, you mess with me. If I ever find out who did this I'm going to tell them exactly what it is I think of them. I don't care if I get in trouble or not this is BS.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Shit.
I am in severe need of inspiration. I have lost all desire to attend/apply for college. I simply want a job and money. Sounds easy, immature, overly ambitious and ridiculous, right?
I honestly feel it's lack of inspiration. Also, I have this fear of not going to school since that's what everyone expects of me. Maybe I should take a year off, I wouldn't want to go into college feeling like, "Oh great, more school. I'll just force myself to do the work because I have to." That's not what college is about and I know it. If I don't want to be there, then why go? My family will be quick to show their doubts and disappointments in me, but as long as I can be happy, I don't mind.
This is what I want:
job
simple car
live with someone I know (either Ali, Vicky, Imena, or Mary)
fun
Not very ambitious, but I don't care. I'm dying for freedom that only comes with income.
......Okay. It's official. I've lost it.
My mom just came into my room, so I decided to talk to her about my problems for a little while. I basically started bawling because I'm concerned about how I'm going to pay taxes. Honestly, I fret about this all the time. Taxes scare me. Then I almost cried again because I'm worried about bills. How do you pay bills??!?!?! (Thankfully, my mom explained this process to me.)
HOLY CRAP I'M LOSING IT. I totally feel like I'm going to cry again. The world is so scary I don't know what to do. I don't want a career, I don't want to go to college, I just want a job and a place to stay and a car. Seriously I'm crazy.
I honestly feel it's lack of inspiration. Also, I have this fear of not going to school since that's what everyone expects of me. Maybe I should take a year off, I wouldn't want to go into college feeling like, "Oh great, more school. I'll just force myself to do the work because I have to." That's not what college is about and I know it. If I don't want to be there, then why go? My family will be quick to show their doubts and disappointments in me, but as long as I can be happy, I don't mind.
This is what I want:
job
simple car
live with someone I know (either Ali, Vicky, Imena, or Mary)
fun
Not very ambitious, but I don't care. I'm dying for freedom that only comes with income.
......Okay. It's official. I've lost it.
My mom just came into my room, so I decided to talk to her about my problems for a little while. I basically started bawling because I'm concerned about how I'm going to pay taxes. Honestly, I fret about this all the time. Taxes scare me. Then I almost cried again because I'm worried about bills. How do you pay bills??!?!?! (Thankfully, my mom explained this process to me.)
HOLY CRAP I'M LOSING IT. I totally feel like I'm going to cry again. The world is so scary I don't know what to do. I don't want a career, I don't want to go to college, I just want a job and a place to stay and a car. Seriously I'm crazy.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Mes Yeuxxxxxx
My Eyesssss are soooo sore. Still.
I went to see Mr. Sanzone today about Skills USA and frankly, I'm certain that I am the official Skills USA Secretary without opposition or competition (no one else tried to sign up for the position). I'm excited because now I have to dedicate myself to something which I've never really done before. This and debate team (which I spent the past 2 hours preparing for, it was fun). I'm learning so much this year. I'm ecstatic about the future because I know that no matter what I'll be okay. Whether I go to college or whatever... life will be good. As long as I have these ("few") things, I'll be great:
Sex
Friends
Books
Clothes
Water
Food
The ability to get to Tampa
Bug-free living facility
Comfortable, quiet, dark, cold sleeping arrangement
Chapstick
Make-up
Lotion
Hair scrunchies
Ali
Music
Internet access
Not too much to ask for (yea right). I probably left some stuff out...
I went to see Mr. Sanzone today about Skills USA and frankly, I'm certain that I am the official Skills USA Secretary without opposition or competition (no one else tried to sign up for the position). I'm excited because now I have to dedicate myself to something which I've never really done before. This and debate team (which I spent the past 2 hours preparing for, it was fun). I'm learning so much this year. I'm ecstatic about the future because I know that no matter what I'll be okay. Whether I go to college or whatever... life will be good. As long as I have these ("few") things, I'll be great:
Sex
Friends
Books
Clothes
Water
Food
The ability to get to Tampa
Bug-free living facility
Comfortable, quiet, dark, cold sleeping arrangement
Chapstick
Make-up
Lotion
Hair scrunchies
Ali
Music
Internet access
Not too much to ask for (yea right). I probably left some stuff out...
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
The Girl With Kaleidescope Eyes
My eyes hurt intensely.
For a while I was thinking that I don't have senioritis... yea I totally do. Not that I've stopped doing any of my work or anything, I just feel like school wastes so much of my life. Like nearly half of my life it feels will be devoted to school if I keep going at the rate I'm going. Personally, I don't like the sound of that. It would only be okay if I could make good money while going to school but I don't like the sound of people talking about those "starving college kids". Like, why do I have to starve for my education?
Also, everyone instills this idea in your head when you're young that if you don't keep going to school after high school and if you don't get a career and get married and have kids that you'll either be a failure or you'll regret it. This pisses me off because that doesn't sound like it will make me happy. I no longer have the desire to have a career. I just want to have fun in my life. Life's too short to devote myself to a career that I see no value in. I just don't want to work my whole life doing something where I'm helping a bunch of worthless people who can't even help themselves. This doesn't go without saying that yes, some of the people I help will have worth, but I just don't think I have the capability to be that devoted. The only thing I've ever devoted myself to is school. That's why I have no service hours or extracurricular activities.
For a while I was thinking that I don't have senioritis... yea I totally do. Not that I've stopped doing any of my work or anything, I just feel like school wastes so much of my life. Like nearly half of my life it feels will be devoted to school if I keep going at the rate I'm going. Personally, I don't like the sound of that. It would only be okay if I could make good money while going to school but I don't like the sound of people talking about those "starving college kids". Like, why do I have to starve for my education?
Also, everyone instills this idea in your head when you're young that if you don't keep going to school after high school and if you don't get a career and get married and have kids that you'll either be a failure or you'll regret it. This pisses me off because that doesn't sound like it will make me happy. I no longer have the desire to have a career. I just want to have fun in my life. Life's too short to devote myself to a career that I see no value in. I just don't want to work my whole life doing something where I'm helping a bunch of worthless people who can't even help themselves. This doesn't go without saying that yes, some of the people I help will have worth, but I just don't think I have the capability to be that devoted. The only thing I've ever devoted myself to is school. That's why I have no service hours or extracurricular activities.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Lame, I know
I hate to post more than a blog a day but this is just so interesting.
Some of these questions are lame and dumb but the others are GENIUS questions:
Some of these questions are lame and dumb but the others are GENIUS questions:
1. Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?
2. Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
3. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
4. Why don't you ever see the headline Psychic Wins Lottery?
5. Why is abbreviated such a long word?
6. Why is a boxing ring square?
7. Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
8. Why is it that doctors call what they do practice?
9. Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?
10. Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on Start?
11. Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
12. Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor and dish washing liquid made with real lemons?
13. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
14. Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
15. Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
16. Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?
17. Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
18. If you throw a cat out of the car window, does it become kitty litter?
19. If you take an Asian person and spin him around several times does he become disoriented?
20. Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?
21. What do people in China call their good plates?
22. What do you call a male ladybug?
23. What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?
24. Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
25. Why do they call it a pair of pants, but only 1 bra?
26. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
27. Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
28. Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
29. Why are there Interstates in Hawaii?
30. Why are there flotation devices in the seats of planes instead of parachutes?
31. Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations where smoking is prohibited?
32. Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations?
33. How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work?
34. If the 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why does it have locks on the door?
35. You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of it?
36. If a firefighter fights fire and a crime fighter fights crime, what does a freedom fighter fight?
37. If they squeeze olives to get olive oil, how do they get baby oil?
38. If a cow laughs, does milk come out of her nose?
39. If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens?
40. Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of a drive-up ATM?
41. Why is it that when you transport something by car it is called shipment, but when you transport something by ship it's called cargo?
42. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
43. Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
44. If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
45. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal
Le Petit Chaperon Rouge
Little Red Riding Hood
(she was totally a whore)
Anyways... I'm pretty sure everyone thinks I'm a lesbian who doesn't already know me, because I'm very affectionate towards my friend Mary. Like, we totally walk through the halls arm in arm and hug each other and snuggle each other. It's normal to us though, and to her other friends who she snuggles all the time. We also make kissing faces at each other during class... Yea everyone totally thinks I'm a lesbian...
FUCK! Freaking advisory meeting. Tomorrow I have to miss part of Spanish class for the "pre-planning meeting" like anyone cares. I would have just told Ms. Johnson no but I could already feel the attitude about to come out so I just agreed to go. At least it's only a good 20-30 minutes. I'll try to make it go fast.
I want to be prom queeeeeennnnn!!
I totally match it. I care what everyone thinks about me and no one would expect it to happen. I'm really girly and enthusiastic and I'm super cute... I totally deserve it.
Jeansss dayyyy ;)
Ohh... I hope Dix bought a ticket. I saw him today at Gateway... yum.
Tomorrow better own.
(she was totally a whore)
Anyways... I'm pretty sure everyone thinks I'm a lesbian who doesn't already know me, because I'm very affectionate towards my friend Mary. Like, we totally walk through the halls arm in arm and hug each other and snuggle each other. It's normal to us though, and to her other friends who she snuggles all the time. We also make kissing faces at each other during class... Yea everyone totally thinks I'm a lesbian...
FUCK! Freaking advisory meeting. Tomorrow I have to miss part of Spanish class for the "pre-planning meeting" like anyone cares. I would have just told Ms. Johnson no but I could already feel the attitude about to come out so I just agreed to go. At least it's only a good 20-30 minutes. I'll try to make it go fast.
I want to be prom queeeeeennnnn!!
I totally match it. I care what everyone thinks about me and no one would expect it to happen. I'm really girly and enthusiastic and I'm super cute... I totally deserve it.
Jeansss dayyyy ;)
Ohh... I hope Dix bought a ticket. I saw him today at Gateway... yum.
Tomorrow better own.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Happinesssssss
I just got the computer back in my room and it totally works!
Pooorrrnnnn!!!! :D
I'm so excited. How lame... Oh well.
Anyways I found out some chilling (in a good way) information today.
I also had quite a few wasteful conversations with a few wasteful people. What a waste!
If people weren't so dirty... I'd be a prostitute for a living. I want money and I'm pretty sure I like sex. Happy combination :)
Don't judge me I'm just blogging. I wouldn't actually do it, I'd probably chicken out.
I want to parrrrtttyyyy
I've never actually done so and I'm DYING to tryyyyy.
I seem to be in the mood to tttaaallkkk llliiikkeee thiiiissss...
Lol. Lemmie shut up before I get obnoxious.
Have a cowboy candilicious day! :D
Pooorrrnnnn!!!! :D
I'm so excited. How lame... Oh well.
Anyways I found out some chilling (in a good way) information today.
I also had quite a few wasteful conversations with a few wasteful people. What a waste!
If people weren't so dirty... I'd be a prostitute for a living. I want money and I'm pretty sure I like sex. Happy combination :)
Don't judge me I'm just blogging. I wouldn't actually do it, I'd probably chicken out.
I want to parrrrtttyyyy
I've never actually done so and I'm DYING to tryyyyy.
I seem to be in the mood to tttaaallkkk llliiikkeee thiiiissss...
Lol. Lemmie shut up before I get obnoxious.
Have a cowboy candilicious day! :D
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
I Say Hello
Weird... so some guy just knocked on the door to my house. I guess he's selling windows and doors door to door. I know I'm not supposed to open the door for strange men but I didn't want to just leave the guy standing there. I tried to wake up my step dad but it was hopeless. The guy wrote his number in the most illegible handwriting ever. No windows for us lol...
Anwyayyyyssss... today was cool. I'm happy because I might be going on my first ever real teenager excursion. My stepsister will cover for me. She has to since I do it for her all the time.
Oh Spanish Classsss...... still delicious. Painfully delicious.
I need to buy flowers or something already so I can ask Mary to prom (non-dyking). I just think it will be funny to go all out. I'm totally going to kneel down. Lmfao.
I had the Sailor Moon theme song stuck in my head today. I couldn't help but reminisce on old times.
Ugh.. this 13 year old girl on my Facebook posted her status, "How do you know when you're in love?"... I'm like ,"when you're older and more experienced..."
Children these days...
Whatever. I hate getting involved but I can't stand when children act so... childish.
Then again I call myself a child all the time. I'm not ready to grow up because I feel I'm not done being a child. I don't want to waste my life feeling like I missed out on something so I'm going to take my first few after-high-school years slowly.
Maybe I'll be a Linguist when I grow up... how much do they make... I wonder.
Anwyayyyyssss... today was cool. I'm happy because I might be going on my first ever real teenager excursion. My stepsister will cover for me. She has to since I do it for her all the time.
Oh Spanish Classsss...... still delicious. Painfully delicious.
I need to buy flowers or something already so I can ask Mary to prom (non-dyking). I just think it will be funny to go all out. I'm totally going to kneel down. Lmfao.
I had the Sailor Moon theme song stuck in my head today. I couldn't help but reminisce on old times.
Ugh.. this 13 year old girl on my Facebook posted her status, "How do you know when you're in love?"... I'm like ,"when you're older and more experienced..."
Children these days...
Whatever. I hate getting involved but I can't stand when children act so... childish.
Then again I call myself a child all the time. I'm not ready to grow up because I feel I'm not done being a child. I don't want to waste my life feeling like I missed out on something so I'm going to take my first few after-high-school years slowly.
Maybe I'll be a Linguist when I grow up... how much do they make... I wonder.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Sunday Sunday
This weekend was so much fun. I totally watched porn and ate taco bell with my friends as we had been dying to do for quite a while. We also went to Books-A-Million and had a read-aloud session (tysm Imena) and I enjoyed it quite a bit.
Dutch candy is the bomb.
So I painted my nails like I've been dying to do for ages but the color isn't quite what I wanted and they're all bumpy because I suck at it. :| Oh well... It looks semi-cute and no one will probably notice.
I'm definitely excited for this week. I hope it flies by so I can do Senior pics already.
I'm gonna have to wake up at 3am that way once I get to school my eyes don't look like a weirdo.
My lips need chap stick.
Ooohhh, I cannot wait for Spanish class tomorrow. It will be the best.
I'm going to ask Mary to prom (non-dyking). It's going to be cute! :3
Goodsundaynight!
Dutch candy is the bomb.
So I painted my nails like I've been dying to do for ages but the color isn't quite what I wanted and they're all bumpy because I suck at it. :| Oh well... It looks semi-cute and no one will probably notice.
I'm definitely excited for this week. I hope it flies by so I can do Senior pics already.
I'm gonna have to wake up at 3am that way once I get to school my eyes don't look like a weirdo.
My lips need chap stick.
Ooohhh, I cannot wait for Spanish class tomorrow. It will be the best.
I'm going to ask Mary to prom (non-dyking). It's going to be cute! :3
Goodsundaynight!
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Aujourd'hui
I have a word of advice... mainly to myself. Always sit with the prettier girl on the bus.
I remember the first day of school (the girl I sat with on the bus last year got kicked out and goes to Gateway now) so I get on the bus and there's another girl sitting in the spot she used to sit in... and another girl on the seat opposite from that one. I decided just to sit in my old seat, even though the girl sitting there was ugly and the other girl was super cute (btw I don't like ugly people, they annoy me faster and more intensely than cute people). So I sat with her, only to discover her monotone voice, lack of enthusiasm, and overall inability to carry on a proper conversation. Plus, mind you, she's ugly. To this day I regret not sitting with the girl who was super cute, because I listen to her conversations and not only does she have normal conversations but she has a nice accent to go along with them. I can't just go and sit with the other girl now because my new bus"buddy" will probably get all depressed and think I hate her (OH WAIT, I DO!).
So anyways, today I was sitting on the bus with her, and she put in her iPod. I was thankful for that because I figured she would at least leave me alone and I could allow my mind to run free while I admire the world around me. As the bus pulls out of the bus loop, I can feel the seat shaking... and I'm quite perplexed at this for a second until I realize it's Rugrat (that's what I shall call her) doing some odd ritualistic head bobbing motion.... oh no.. that's just her "dancing." I guess her dancing consists of her moving her head up and down like a chicken when it's walking because that's what she looked like. She continued on and I was able to ignore her until she began to move closer to me and exaggerate her movements. I looked over at her with the most annoyed yet kindly smiling face possible and this was her response, "Come on, you know it's funny, I can see you trying to hold back your laugh."
People... I have NEVER in my life, met someone so stupid that they cannot differentiate an annoyed facial expression from someone about to laugh.
Maybe she was trying to be an idiot on purpose just in hopes that I would talk to her... well either way it only had a negative effect on me.
I actually had to explain to her that I was in a serious mood and simply could not be brought to laughter at the current moment. Which was a half lie half truth but it's not like she knew or was going to argue with me about it.
So once she shut up, the bus ride was quite pleasant.
Then I got home and made spaghetti. It was a bit of a hassle but in the end it tasted sooooo amazing that all my troubles just melted away... ( :| not)
HP is the best computer brand EVER :D
Yayyyy HP
Oh, guess what:
If you are right handed, you will tend to chew your food on your right side. If you are left handed, you will tend to chew your food on your left side.
Next time you're eating, pay attention. Totally worked for me.
I remember the first day of school (the girl I sat with on the bus last year got kicked out and goes to Gateway now) so I get on the bus and there's another girl sitting in the spot she used to sit in... and another girl on the seat opposite from that one. I decided just to sit in my old seat, even though the girl sitting there was ugly and the other girl was super cute (btw I don't like ugly people, they annoy me faster and more intensely than cute people). So I sat with her, only to discover her monotone voice, lack of enthusiasm, and overall inability to carry on a proper conversation. Plus, mind you, she's ugly. To this day I regret not sitting with the girl who was super cute, because I listen to her conversations and not only does she have normal conversations but she has a nice accent to go along with them. I can't just go and sit with the other girl now because my new bus"buddy" will probably get all depressed and think I hate her (OH WAIT, I DO!).
So anyways, today I was sitting on the bus with her, and she put in her iPod. I was thankful for that because I figured she would at least leave me alone and I could allow my mind to run free while I admire the world around me. As the bus pulls out of the bus loop, I can feel the seat shaking... and I'm quite perplexed at this for a second until I realize it's Rugrat (that's what I shall call her) doing some odd ritualistic head bobbing motion.... oh no.. that's just her "dancing." I guess her dancing consists of her moving her head up and down like a chicken when it's walking because that's what she looked like. She continued on and I was able to ignore her until she began to move closer to me and exaggerate her movements. I looked over at her with the most annoyed yet kindly smiling face possible and this was her response, "Come on, you know it's funny, I can see you trying to hold back your laugh."
People... I have NEVER in my life, met someone so stupid that they cannot differentiate an annoyed facial expression from someone about to laugh.
Maybe she was trying to be an idiot on purpose just in hopes that I would talk to her... well either way it only had a negative effect on me.
I actually had to explain to her that I was in a serious mood and simply could not be brought to laughter at the current moment. Which was a half lie half truth but it's not like she knew or was going to argue with me about it.
So once she shut up, the bus ride was quite pleasant.
Then I got home and made spaghetti. It was a bit of a hassle but in the end it tasted sooooo amazing that all my troubles just melted away... ( :| not)
HP is the best computer brand EVER :D
Yayyyy HP
Oh, guess what:
If you are right handed, you will tend to chew your food on your right side. If you are left handed, you will tend to chew your food on your left side.
Next time you're eating, pay attention. Totally worked for me.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Brain Spill
I like photos.
Not just pictures... photos.
I'm excited because I'm going to try to do volunteer work as a reading buddy for 3rd graders at Kissimmee Charter school. I hope the lady in charge gets back to me. I like kids, as long as they aren't in my house for extended periods of time under my supervision.
... Makes me think of Iza. She's so cute, I just wish she would calm her ass down, then I could play with her more. (FYI: Iza is my step niece. She's 5 and has ADHD. I used to not believe in ADHD and ADD until I met her.)
I still need a job... Oh golly, what a good time for me to job search! Glad I though of that.
I wonder what my life will be like in 6 months. I'm scared.
I'm determined to work up the nerve to stay after school Thursday for the debate club at school. I know I can do it I just have to get myself really excited about it. It sounds like so much fun.
Ohhh I loooove Spanish class.... and that delicious freshman who sits next to Mary.
I saw him at Gateway, I guess he was there for football practice and he was out of uniform.
...I almost came.
:) hehe.
Well I'm off to go work my muscles. I want abs... or at least semi-abs.
...And I mean the girly kind, not OD muscles like freaking Olympic chicks on TV.
Oh... I meant to rant about this. I hate when I know someone only a little bit, and I'm not yet comfortable with saying hi to them in the hallways and I get nervous because I'm wondering if they're going to say anything to me. Then I'm worried they think I'm an asshole for not saying anything to them. Man I'm psycho. I need meds.
Not.
Ok that's allllllll
Not just pictures... photos.
I'm excited because I'm going to try to do volunteer work as a reading buddy for 3rd graders at Kissimmee Charter school. I hope the lady in charge gets back to me. I like kids, as long as they aren't in my house for extended periods of time under my supervision.
... Makes me think of Iza. She's so cute, I just wish she would calm her ass down, then I could play with her more. (FYI: Iza is my step niece. She's 5 and has ADHD. I used to not believe in ADHD and ADD until I met her.)
I still need a job... Oh golly, what a good time for me to job search! Glad I though of that.
I wonder what my life will be like in 6 months. I'm scared.
I'm determined to work up the nerve to stay after school Thursday for the debate club at school. I know I can do it I just have to get myself really excited about it. It sounds like so much fun.
Ohhh I loooove Spanish class.... and that delicious freshman who sits next to Mary.
I saw him at Gateway, I guess he was there for football practice and he was out of uniform.
...I almost came.
:) hehe.
Well I'm off to go work my muscles. I want abs... or at least semi-abs.
...And I mean the girly kind, not OD muscles like freaking Olympic chicks on TV.
Oh... I meant to rant about this. I hate when I know someone only a little bit, and I'm not yet comfortable with saying hi to them in the hallways and I get nervous because I'm wondering if they're going to say anything to me. Then I'm worried they think I'm an asshole for not saying anything to them. Man I'm psycho. I need meds.
Not.
Ok that's allllllll
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Duh Myself...
Hello Blogspot...
I seem to have forgotten that I have a blog.
I usually remember when I'm in no position to post something i.e. at school, about to go to sleep, etc.
I find it quite funny.
Ali (my stepsister) is the best. Like, she has such amazing advice and she's so smart in her own way, not book smart, but she's experienced so many different things and shares them all with me. She tells me the truth... the brutal, unflinching truth. Even though she's 25 and has 2 kids she can relate to me better than about 95% of the people in my life.
I usually feel a bit confused when I think about whether I would turn back time and never move to Kissimmee if I could.. but I've officially decided that I'm glad I did move here, and I'm glad my mom did meet my retarded stepdad.
That doesn't go without saying that all my other friends have most definitely contributed to this decision.
Life is amazing... I would like to keep it that way.
:)
I seem to have forgotten that I have a blog.
I usually remember when I'm in no position to post something i.e. at school, about to go to sleep, etc.
I find it quite funny.
Ali (my stepsister) is the best. Like, she has such amazing advice and she's so smart in her own way, not book smart, but she's experienced so many different things and shares them all with me. She tells me the truth... the brutal, unflinching truth. Even though she's 25 and has 2 kids she can relate to me better than about 95% of the people in my life.
I usually feel a bit confused when I think about whether I would turn back time and never move to Kissimmee if I could.. but I've officially decided that I'm glad I did move here, and I'm glad my mom did meet my retarded stepdad.
That doesn't go without saying that all my other friends have most definitely contributed to this decision.
Life is amazing... I would like to keep it that way.
:)
Sunday, August 23, 2009
This is it
Tomorrow is the first day of what will be the best school year I will ever have had in k-12. Not only is it my last, but I am more confident, intelligent, and social than I've been at any other time in my life. I'm ecstatic. I don't even care that I have to wake up at 5:15am because it's completely worth it. School is amazing.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)